Love and vulnerability, and me, exist on two different sides

It’s like love and vulnerability exist as a glass wall I can look into but can never express. The idea of expressing it seems almost like I would be embodying a character that doesn’t exist. Someone I am forcing myself to be, it doesn’t feel authentic, yet those feelings are real. Maybe it is because I am used to those feelings being punished. It’s weird because it’s not like I’m trying to hide those feelings, they shine through, but I can’t get myself to be aligned to them completely, even though they are true. Feels so complex. I’ll go back and forth between feeling it and then punishing myself for feeling naive somehow for those feelings just existing