Am I wrong for feeling betrayed?

Hey everyone,

I never posted anything on Reddit, ever. But somehow I feel like an outside perspective would help me make something out of the mess in my head right now.

Here’s some background:

I met her about a year and a half ago, I’m currently 39, she’s 26. The age gap was not an issue for either of us (she’s a lot into older guys in general). Anyway, we were supposed to meet for a hookup, but we clicked so good that we started dating shortly after. As far as I was concerned, we were exclusive and we’ve been living together for longer than a year already.

Probably a week after we officially started dating she lied to me for the first time about something that wouldn’t have been an issue in the first place: she went to meet with her former crush/love interest and lied about it, telling me she’s visiting her mother. I don’t know if anything happened between them, all I have is her word, but somehow I moved past it when I found out and decided to trust her, eventhough I was a bit skeptic.

All through the relationship we’ve been open about stuff we’d like to try together, we’ve often spoken about bringing a third - even a fourth - person in our bedroom, gender didn’t play any role (she’s bi-curious, I’m straight). Our sex life was always running very good and none of us had any issues in communicating what we liked, what we wanted. It’s probably worth mentioning that both of us have been more than once around the block, so we both came with a lot of experience.
I’m mentioning this because it’s somehow relevant to know that I never was against the idea of other people joining us in the bedroom.

Cue to last week, she was at a festival with her family (I didn’t join them because I wasn’t in the best mental state and one week at that festival without any way of leaving midway through was too much for me).
She came back, we were both happy to see eachother and we kinda’ jumped on eachother shortly after. During sex I even asked her if she hooked up at the festival, I found it hot if she told be about getting railed at the festival, but she denied it strongly. I believed her, since I saw no reason not to.

Well, two days ago I had a strange feeling that wouldn’t leave me alone at all, somehow making itself permanently present in my gut. So I did it, I picked up her phone and went through it. First WhatsApp and Instagram, nothing out of the ordinary. Relieved, I just thought to myself “Well, you’re stupid and imagining things”. Then I opened the gallery, mostly to see the photos she took at the festival. And it hit me: nudes that I didn’t see, videos of her in her car touching herself and smiling at te camera, pictures and videos naked, pinching her nipples, choking herself. All of them taken in the past 10 days, some even the day and the day after she came back from the festival. The only thing I hadn’t check was Snapchat. And there it was, the smoking gun: she’s been chatting with some old acquaintance of her that even knows me (a guy, obviously), sending him all the stuff I mentioned above, even doing requests for him (like choking herself, pinching her nipples). Calling him Master, planning to meet secretly. She even told him my working schedule, when I work and when I’m off.

I felt like a bus hit me. It felt unreal, felt like I was in some kind of trance.

I confronted her and her reaction was surprising. First she laughed it off, like it was nothing, dismissing it. Then in a laughing tone said to me “Well, it happens” when I asked about the pictures she sent him. Shortly after she tried to turn it around like it was my fault, mostly because I didn’t join her at the festival, she felt alone and wanted the attention. Then again dismissive, like it was not a big deal.

I’m not going to play saint and say I’m flawless. I have issues, mostly communicating what’s bothering me, I bottle up and rarely let stuff out. But I’m there, physically and emotionally, even if inside I’m like a ticking bomb.

I’m extremely disappointed in her, in her actions. And the trust I had in her is gone, completely! I wouldn’t believe a word she says anymore, I can’t.
I feel absolutely betrayed and especially disrespected.
I already checked out of the relationship, I know I can’t continue it after this.

But we have to have a conversation and it’s not happening in the next few days. Yesterday she’s been texting me, saying she would like to sit down and have a conversation, then came home in the afternoon just to pick up some clothes and left without a word.

I’m really down right now and I know it’s going to be even worse for a while, because we live together and the lease is on for at least three more months. I guess we’ll be roommates for a while…

Thanks for reading, putting all this in writing actually made me feel a bit relieved.