Fearful of starting over at 34

I posted on another sub six months back about how my husband called me a “spoiled rotten cnt” …I had a ton of advice on that post, which I’m super grateful for, and led me to talk to an attorney, start to gather information and extra funds. I was planning an escape of a 1-2 year timeline.

Fast forward, things got worse, as so many had stated it would. I’ve endured a death threat, a suicide threat (spoken to me, through our children) and LONG, regular rants that include a lot of name calling and berating language. Oftentimes in front of our children, regardless of repeated pleas of “stop,” enough,” or physically removing myself or the children out of the home.

I have officially separated with our kids and am staying in my parents home (so grateful for their support). I am aware that I need to make this permanent and move forward with filing but I am now so fearful and paralyzed. Part of me is so proud that I’ve likely done the hardest part. The other part is still holding out for some rose-colored hope.

I am terrified of the future. I’ve never lived alone and although I know it’s manipulation, he has implanted many a time that I’m a loser and pathetic, so I am struggling to take the next steps.

I’m so hung up on only seeing my children for potentially half-time. We purchased our dream home, in our dream neighborhood, two years ago and I’m so distraught that I will have to move on from it and the life I imagined while living there. I make just over six-figures and we likely have $200+ of equity in the home that would be split, but I have so much hesitation that I won’t be able to provide as “good” (albeit toxic) of a life as if we were to make it work as a nuclear family.

Part of me also feels guilt, like I haven’t done enough. He’s NOW in individual therapy and couples therapy, which I read is very common as soon as a failed marriage slaps them in the face. Part of me wants to see it through to see if he changes but the other part is asking why I’m waiting for the inevitable.

Any guidance from those that have been in a similar situation? Positive, negative, someone that stayed and saw change, someone that stayed and wishes they left, all the things. I’m not scared of being “divorced” at 34, I don’t care about that label, it’s everything else - mostly centered around my life with my children.