Just want to vent

I (f23) just found out I was pregnant yesterday. I still don't want to believe it. I don't even want to think about it but it's consuming my every thought.

I was never sure about wanting children but within the past 2-3 years, I grew very adamant at the thought of having a child. I'm simply too selfish to take care of another person. I do not want to be responsible for another human being for the rest of my life.

And I just met my partner in May, it's been about 4 months. And our whole relationship moved too fast. We moved in together after a month or so. He's a good guy. I know he is. He's very caring towards my family. He often cooks and bakes for them. But throughout the whole relationship, I was hesitant about us. And a child does not change that. He was somewhat happy when I told him.

When we first started dating, he mentioned wanting children and I told him I didn't. And If I ever did get pregnant, that I would abort it. He said it was fine. That it was ultimately my decision. He didn't react poorly yesterday. But I can tell he's excited. However he did ask when we'd travel to get the abortion, so he is showing his support in that way?? But he also jokes about my murdering it? So idk. He even asked me if we could keep but didn't push on it. He's been holding my tummy since he found out last night. So I know he wants to keep it but also supports my decision ? Or is trying to? I asked him if he would resent me in a couple of years if I went through with aborting it and he said no.

But ultimately, I just don't want to be responsible for a child. I want to travel. Spend money on myself. Not lose sleep to the cries of a baby. Not hate my body. Not go through the pain of labor. Not go through the hassle of having to take the bigger role in parenting by being the mother. I know I don't want to be chained to someone else for the rest of my life.

But I would be lying if I said my mind didn't wander to an alternative future where everything was perfect and I could take care of a child. Where I was financially stable, where the child didn't have any health problems and was well-behaved, where the world wasn't going to shit. Where I would have a responsible partner that I confidently knew would love me and take care of the child and me. That would take as much as the burden as possible from motherhood.

And financially, I am not at a place where a child is a good idea.

Unfortunately, that's not the real world and so I must do what's best for me and for this unborn child.

I guess I'm just trying to justify my decision of not going through with it. I also can't tell anyone. Not my family because they will try to convince me to keep it but I just want to feel supported. Be told that I am making the right decision.

Also I'm just about 4 1/2 weeks pregnant and Ive been so nauseous and irritable. So pregnancy sounds awful. Ugh I just wish this never happened. I just want to get the abortion and never think about it again.