Should I try and contact my old psychiatrist?

I have some mental issues that are bothering me for a while. I am the kind of “sorry for existing” type. Back then I used to go to a psychiatrist who I could really connect with in a good doctor-patient relationship, I felt better after every session, it was helping. I felt like I wasn’t a burden despite my stuff. Unfortunately I am dumb af, my mental health was at a crazy low, and instead of talking about it I ghosted everyone including my psychiatrist. I honestly don’t remember if I cancelled sessions, I’m not even sure I paid for my last. I know, I’m horrible and I feel so bad about the whole thing. For some stupid reason I felt like the best thing is to isolate myself, I stopped caring about everything and made bad decisions including this one. I only remember this time as a blur. I lost all my friends, my job, I had to move around that time. I’m not trying to find excuses, again, I know I was an awful person, nobody is responsible but me, I just explain this so you get a picture of what happened. If I remember correctly she later sent me a referral to somewhere in case I needed it and it was clear I wasn’t welcomed back. I mean obviously.

Now the thing is, I’m better since, it’s been years. I’m not like perfectly fine but since then I wasn’t that low, I actually have positive things in my life. I went to other doctors but I never found someone who I could work with. I often felt worse after sessions. I honestly deserve it to be honest, but I kept thinking about trying to reconnect with the psychiatrist I went to before. I feel like it could really help me, but at the same time I feel selfish for even thinking about asking this doctor, because I was so awful. I know they are doctors, but still I feel selfish for thinking what would benefit me even after all that. At the same time a small part of me keeps thinking that apologising would be great, and there is nothing wrong with asking, and offering of course to pay anything I might haven’t and paying upfront for possible sessions or something.

Sometimes I feel like my mental health is giving me false thoughts, I don’t know how to explain but sometimes I think something is a good idea when it’s not and I’m honestly not sure if it would be okay to try this (if I could even find the courage lol) or should I just forget it and leave that psychiatrist alone and keep looking for others.

Thank you for reading it.