I binge eat and I don’t know how to stop.

Hey guys, this is a really sensitive topic for me and it’s something that I can’t even bring myself to talk about with people I know IRL so if you are tempted to say something horrible, please don’t.

I’m a 21 year old girl. I’ve always had issues with my mental health but in the past year or so it’s been manifesting in a different way that I don’t know how to deal with. I’ve always been a pretty small person, and up until about a year ago I was always 50-55kg (I’m 5’2 so that’s healthy for my size).

For some reason I can’t stop eating and it’s got to the point where I’ve gained nearly 20kg. I don’t fit into my clothes anymore, and I barely recognise myself when I look in the mirror. The other day someone took an off guard photo of me from the side and I almost cried when I saw it.

I eat a disproportionate amount, even when I’m not hungry. I guess it just soothes whatever nerves I have and gives me something else to think about. It’s not even that I have anything particularly stressful going on in my life so I don’t understand why I do it. It’s like I turn into a different person when I’m eating and then after I’ve finished I feel guilty and disgusting. I used to feel sick after a square of chocolate and now I can easily put away multiple bags of sweets/crisps in the span of a few hours. I know it sounds gross and it is gross but that’s the truth.

I’ve been on depression meds, anxiety meds, and had therapy and nothing seems to be helping me. I always feel like the doctors don’t fully understand what I mean when I say I’m struggling with eating because usually people who have bad relationships with food undereat instead of overeat.

A few months ago my boyfriend pointed out in the kindest way he could that he was worried because I was eating so much. At the time I got upset and offended because how dare a man comment on what I choose to eat. But now it’s got to a point where I can see that he’s right and he was just concerned. I keep telling myself I’ll stop but I can’t, it’s like a compulsion.

I guess I just need to hear other peoples experiences and advice which helped them overcome it. It’s destroying my life and it’s pushing me to a low point.