need advice

hi guys so me (25F) and my bf (36M) have been dating for 1.5 years now. We both met at grad school, did the same degree/same classes. I graduated this year and got a full time at a local gov and he has been looking for a full time job for almost a year now (he graduated last year and he works at a bar as a server part time as of now). I love him dearly and we've had our ups and downs but lately i've been feeling really lonely in this relaionship.

In the beginning of the relationships, things seemed great. We were doing classes together, we would go out with our friends, drink, party, have fun. We connected emotionally, and to be honest i've never had as much fun as i've had with him. He even met my family and i met his.

Slowly into the relationship, i started noticing that he definitely likes drinking more than me and my friends (just for some context, i mostly like to drink in a social environment). He would start drinking the min he wakes up, dosen't matter what time, 6 am, 8 am, he would crack open a white claw. Now, i am someone who is very open to communication (he mostly shuts down at confrontation) and i would point it out and ask him if he needs help (he has a past of drug addiction ...like hard drugs) but he would always brush it off saying that he's just having fun, "its summer time" or later it would "football season". He would continue to have a great time, no stress at this time in his life either, we would have frequent hangouts with our mutual friends up until his graduation and i genunely didn't think of it as much as a lot of my friends liked to drink for fun as well. After he graduated, he was sure he was getting a job within the next 3 months... aaand he didn't. After that cushion period, things started getting more intense. His drinking increased ( im talking more than a 12 pack a day, before it was just 3 or 4 cans), and i dont think for the past 6 months I've seen him with me sober. Clearly, this is abnormal. He dosen't deny it anymore. He says he needs help. He cries at everything. He tried going cold turkey once or twice, been to AA couple times, but always relapses. He turns into someone so cold and harsh when he dosen't have his "sufficient" number of drinks a day. And the worst part, since he's always under the influence, our arguments dont even matter anymore. He either forgets what he says or says things so cruel and harsh that i am too afraid to even bring it up later. I have done so much for him to help him out. I have put so much effort/understanding and even money to this relationship. I have even gone around my job talking to heads about job openings which he could be a potential candidate for (even got him interviews!) I don't even remember the last time he bought me flowers, maybe last summer! He is going through so much but my needs are always being neglected. He is always asking for my help, even the smallest things (for example, if he loses his keys, he makes me find those cuz im "better" at finding stuff). He said i make him feel better & happier. He is extremely emotional too, tears up watching the smallest things (which is completely okay) but every single day, on top of everything, it adds up. I told him he needs therapy and rehab if he wants to make this work but he dosen't even have the money right now to do that (not even insurance). He also tells me i can't say a word about this to his friends or family. They have no idea how bad things have gotten. He is up all night drinking most nights, only goes to bed with me maybe twice a week. Anytime i tell him to stop i am "controlling" and it is "his house, his rules". His body "needs" alcohol even when he has a fever/cold/any other infection. I have never experienced anything this and i dont know if this is just a temporary setback.

I have severe abandoment issues due to a really fucked up childhood, and i am not saying this as a shitty excuse to stay back in this relationship. I have been in theapy and I am aware as to why i try so hard to make things work but i really do love him and I've experienced amazing/unforgettable times together, which we still do. But there's also so much darkness that has latched on to me. I just need to know if someone out there is dealing with something similar. I need strength. I have talked and talked and talked, nothing comes out of it. Same conversation, same ending. I am tired, tired of seeing him hurt and crying and drunk. I fell in love with a guy who went deep into alcoholism. I am tired of crying... I dont want to lose him and i hate seeing him to do this to himself, to our future! Him choosing alcohol over everything, over our love, is heartbreaking. The pain I am feeling is on a different level. Thanks for hearing me vent. I truly cannot talk about this with anyone else so thank you!!