How can I be proud of myself?

I am undiagnosed but heavily peer reviewed (and on the road to diagnosis) and this recent discovery has been both relieving and disheartening. I felt complete knowing that who I am isn't me, but a disorder, and that it's not my fault I'm like this. But, in the same breath, this is my default, being self centered and careless of others.

However, I recognize that I am coping and learning, I have an amazing spouse who has been with me in this unknowing journey (as it was recently pointed out) for almost 6 years. I am frequently told that I'm getting better, that they can see my progress in catching myself in my lows and responding as needed to them, through accountability or expressing that I'm struggling and take a moment to isolate and regulate.

Despite all of this, I am so afraid to give myself a bread crumb of pride. Horrified. What if I take too much and suddenly I fall back into old habits because I'm up in my head again? I don't want to do that, I don't want to feel on top because I hate seeing the people "beneath me" getting trampled because I'm incapable of self control. I'm only ever ashamed of myself, with few and far between moments where I can admit my growth.

What are some healthy ways I can be proud of my growth without risking it spiraling into something awful?