I'm So Tired. Third Time's the Charm, I Guess?

TW : Abuse, lost pregnancy, suicide attempt

Long post, sorry. I'm just really hurt right now and need to get it out.

My wife (26F) and I (27M) have separated now three times.

The first time was for two and a half months, last September to the end of November. Started about a week and a half after my birthday.

The second time was in May, and that lasted... about a week?

Now we're separated again, as of today.

For some background, I have existing trauma where a past ex who was very abusive had gotten an abortion - which I accepted, although I wanted kids - did not let me grieve the loss. Went through my nightstand, threw away the pregnancy tests and ultrasound pictures, etc. She also was just very emotionally, psychologically, and physically abusive throughout our relationship.

With my wife, the first part of our marriage I was extremely functional. We got married late 2023. We both have bipolar disorder, we both were unmedicated, without therapy, etc. But we both were doing pretty well and we both have said that our wedding day was the happiest day of our lives. It was our only "love at first sight" feeling either of us had.

It's just been one big pile of shit since early 2024, though.

My wife miscarried and I fell into the deepest depressive episode I'd ever been in. This was about 4 months into marriage, a little less than a year together (yes, we got married sooner than we probably should've).

I did my best to grieve openly and to, well, live, but eventually I shut down. My past trauma about loss of a pregnancy got in the way. Apparently it's called "ambiguous loss", and I didn't fully process the miscarriage until this Spring, but I fell apart. I couldn't work, couldn't get out of bed, could barely eat. I couldn't do anything. I kept letting my wife down in so many ways and I felt worse and worse and it was a vicious cycle. I always made the time to be there for her emotionally yet I struggled with most daily living tasks outside of cooking for us. I'd get jobs here and there but they wouldn't last.

I had gotten a good job again at the start of 2025, was doing well at it, and her mental health started to decline and she got on meds herself. I hit another depressive episode last July and went on short-term disability. I got into therapy and got on meds, but our relationship only got worse.

I've accepted that we'll always see it differently. I started meds and therapy two months before we separated for the first time. My wife feels as if I was intentionally - and essentially, in my own words - a lazy bastard for a lot of our marriage. To my wife, I got better and functional after she initiated the first separation. What I can see is that after a year and a half of being unmedicated, I got therapy and on meds and could finally be functional again. Things that I started before we separated.

I moved out after the separation because she was getting verbally hostile. We stopped talking at all for awhile, I'd just send money for our shared bills.

She reached out to me at the end of November. I didn't want to respond because she left me, but I did because I love her. We've been in this grey area ever since. It's been rocky as hell. I've been doing everything I can to show her that I can help her, that I'm there for her. I'd been helping her with bills, groceries, buying her gifts, etc. because she gets paid a lot less than I do. But she's struggled to accept my help. We tried couple's therapy for a few months, but then we stopped. She said I'm doing everything right, but she doesn't trust me. That she thinks I'm trying to "win her back" and not that I just genuinely care.

I was feeling very suicidal in May and we separated again, and that time we both initiated it. We both felt it would help us if we had time to work on ourselves. It only lasted about a week.

Since we rekindled late November and up until a month ago, we've had some of our best dates and some of the most quality time we've ever had.

Since about April, back and forth over and over, she'll fawn over me, then she'll remind me that I'm a piece of shit for how I was before our initial separation. I try to tell her that I literally couldn't even bathe or get out of bed most days, but she doesn't care.

A few weeks ago, I got mad. I told her how I felt : It's not just that we're not fully back together. Yes, we haven't said those words, but we've been doing everything a typical couple does except for talking about what we do when we're alone. We say things like "our kids" and speak in ways with long-term planning in mind. To anyone who saw our relationship, we'd look like we are together and that we just argue a lot behind closed doors.

Since I said that, she's grown more and more hostile. Occasionally throwing things at me (soft things, but still), and the berating has only been getting worse.

Last week, after hurling insults, she finally hit me. Not hard, but it still happened. She also said what I was hoping wasn't true : she knows she's being abusive. She (supposedly) doesn't want to, but she can't stop it.

I didn't talk to her all day a couple of days after that. She called me and asked why I wasn't talking to her, and I told her it was because of what she said. She said that it was cruel and that I didn't deserve it. But she also said that she meant it, and that she needed a few days to think about her actions.

My wife has been very mentally ill. She's been hospitalized twice this year, almost three times if not for me administering her meds to her after I walked in on her about to intentionally overdose at the end of June. But her mental health is the only reason I didn't break it off over the past few months. Because she needs help, and even though she hates to hear it, she literally can't do it alone.

Which leads us to today. At my request we met in public. She told me she couldn't try anymore. That we needed a break. That she loves me, but until she gets her head right, she knows she'll just hurt me. Then she asked me : "Are we getting divorced?"

I told her, because we're both broke, I still want to file taxes together. We'll owe money if we file separately, we'll get a lot from tax credits if we file together. I told her that after that, probably. Then I asked her why she asked about divorce. She said that, once again, she loves me. She doesn't want to treat me how she has been. She doesn't know for sure if it'll work out, but she doesn't want it to be completely over.

I'm at a complete loss. I can't do this anymore right now either. I'm so tired. She had her friend move into her apartment. I couldn't get off the lease because my income is higher than either of theirs and I didn't want my wife to be homeless. Her friend quit her job and now they're facing eviction. I'm both afraid of and for my wife. I'm afraid she's going to end up homeless anyways or that she'll wind up killing herself.

I'm so tired. The love of my life has been treating me like absolute shit. I know I wasn't perfect, I know I fucked up by not seeking help for a long time, but I've been doing what I can. I don't know if she actually loves me or if she just doesn't want to lose me. I got my apartment last month and it's two blocks away from hers. We both were so excited for that, for us to be close by. Even now, I keep trying to justify how she's treated me by saying she's sick, I keep hoping "maybe she'll get better, maybe then she'll treat me right". But does it even matter anymore?