How are you supposed to push/actually give birth?

Hey good people, I have a question I'm hoping someone can help me with. How are you supposed to actually push your baby out? I think I'm neurodivergent so certain things just don't make sense to me and I get fixated on them, this is one of those things.

Previous birth (TW pain & tearing):

I gave birth to my son about 2 years ago, and to put it lightly it was a bit traumatic. The birthing team was encouraging me to hold my breath and push as hard as I could for 10 seconds at a time every so often. Did that for 3 hours. Ended up tearing in 3 directions and it took them 2 hours to sew me back together 🙃 unmedicated except for some local shots before the repair so I felt everything. I was basically either screaming or sobbing the whole time. Took 10 weeks of healing to not feel constant pain.
Before this I had read hypnobirthing, watched other people's birth vlogs and advice videos, went to a birthing class, & after all that and the experience of it, I still just don't really get it lol

& I'm currently pregnant with my second. Trying to figure out what I can do differently this time!

I would get an epidural but I don't like people touching my spine, it's like a phobia level fear. The hospitals near me don't offer a lot of alternatives (U.S.) but I'd love some sort of numbing gel lmao

So good people, I'm wondering if someone can explain it to me how are you supposed to push? Do you just wait long enough until the baby is basically already on their way out? More gentle pushing like the book said (despite what my delivery team was saying)? Any tips to prevent tearing?

Thanks so much, sorry if this is the wrong forum for the question.