Where to begin?

I'm a middle age M and rarely speak about my kinks. It's funny, as an early teen experimenting alone, I did what I look back on now and think it was pretty out there. It seems no matter how I try to suppress my thoughts or desires, they still come out. Is everyone as terrified as me when you first start to try exploring this? Or am I so repressed that I'll never be able to open? Is this something I should even seek to understand logically, or is reason not part of this realm?

Any advice on how to proceed would be appreciated. How do I open up? Maintain some degree of anonymity yet make connections with others? I agonize even to press the send button. Why is this so hard? Too much for a first post lol?