Mismatched timeline expectations with wife

My cis bisexual wife and I (MtF, lesbian) are both mid-30s, together for 12 years, married for 7.

My egg started (consciously) cracking sometime around May, but there was stuff retrospectively going back much longer of course. I had had a goatee for our entire relationship, but then I shared I wanted to try shaving it (not in the context of transness, yet). She expressed that she preferred the goatee after shaving, which is fine.

I gave it a bit more time and eventually shared that I had been exploring some gender feelings and wanted to try presenting as a woman in mid-June, while asking how that landed for her. Her initial response was vocally supportive, but she also started crying (which I definitely don’t hold against her… a lot of uncertainty got thrown at her where she wasn’t expecting any).

That weekend, my wife and I went shopping for clothes and makeup, during which she was incredibly supportive. I also scheduled a video appointment with a trans-focused endocrinologist for late August, but then snatched up a sooner appointment in early July when one became available. The doctor offered an HRT prescription with informed consent (and directed me to choose a dose and administration method, which I honestly wasn’t expecting in that first appointment myself).

I told my wife about these and she showed some distress at how fast this was going stating that she feels “along for the ride” as opposed to an active partner in this. Fair… to be fair, it has been objectively fast. She also said “I can’t say anything that isn’t 100% supportive, because I’d be transphobic”. I assured her that if she has reservations, that’s totally understandable, that I know she’s not transphobic, and that I’m here for her if she decides she wants to express them.

Yesterday (now four months into low-moderate doses of HRT), she did share again that it is moving very very fast for her, even if she recognizes it’s the timeline that feels right for me. She thought that it would involve a lot more therapy and social transition ahead of HRT. I again assured her that this doesn’t make her transphobic and that I totally understand how it could be distressing when someone so constant suddenly starts undergoing some very fundamental changes. She started crying and said that she wished she had a chance to say goodbye to the goatee, since I hadn’t presented it as final when I shaved it (I didn’t know whether it would be either at the time). Again, totally understandable.

She then shared she’s afraid of not ending up attracted to me as a woman (though she really wants to be). She felt like this was breaking her vows because we had discussed what we’d do if either of us turned out to be trans at the beginning of our relationship and she said it wouldn’t change anything for her. I assured her that I understood that the sudden and fast uncertainty had to be really hard. The idea of her not being attracted to me anymore was scary for me too, but that no matter what, she doesn’t owe me attraction. We cried for a bit (which I can do now, apparently!). She then said she doesn’t like the idea of me with breasts, since she was attracted to the hardness and hairiness of my chest when she put her head against it. Fair from a familiarity perspective, but a bit saddening, even if I get it.

Just wondering if anyone else has been through something like this and has any tips for us on how to navigate it. I’ve tried to keep her apprised much more of how I’m feeling in real time in an attempt to make her feel less “pulled along”. Ultimately, we’re taking it day by day as much as we can, but the uncertainty can be hard. Thanks for reading!