And parmigiano-reggiano, romano, and fresh basil. ANYWAYS

I just. I feel like I fucking time bomb. I don't know. I regulate my everything at work. I'm an RBT, I have to be very on top of my emotions/feelings, and my face and body. It's draining. So I get home and I just let the 😃 work mask fall off and I feel so 😥😣 from just the everything. And then my fiance gets home and we end up fighting over something stupid b/c I'm already on the verge of exploding.

Problem is, it's not me. At least it doesn't feel like it. I feel like I'm in the sunken place from get out. Just watching it all play out on the screen while I am stuck, I can't move. No matter how much I'm screaming in my head to calm down, I just can't. It's like I'm a broken fire hydrant, all my everything just exploding out of me. But I'm not a firefighter.

I just want to be in control. I hate this. I hate feeling like this, I hate lashing out. I hate hurting him. I just want to be okay, to be the ME I feel inside, that I know I am. I'm not a mean person. I don't like to get upset or angry. It's just, when I'm already so overwhelmed and overstimulated and exhausted it's so easy to just... explode. And then it's just over. I hit my peak and then I just crash down. Then I'm crying and shaking and a mess.

It's not fair to him. I'm so disregulated, and I can't figure out how to stop. Would love just... anything. Advice, encouragement, idfk. I just wish my brain was different, I wish I was someone else.

I wish I was different - linguine with ground turkey and red sauce