I tried masturbating to you again

You know my sexuality, so I'm very limited on what gets me off

Because my emotions are so deeply infused with my sexuality, I've learned that it actually helps me determine what I'm truly feeling deep down. It helps me process things. My body will tell me how I feel; whether it's love, anger, disgust, sadness, confusion, hopeful, whatever. My physical responses don't lie.

When this recent episode of whatever the fuck this show is started over a month ago, I tried it again for the first time in a long time. That time, I cried. I finished and then the tears came, and through my sobs I yelled, "it's not the same! It's not the same anymore! Why!?" I decided to be cautious because of this, because of what flooded out of me, physically and emotionally, when I was through.

But then things got better...a few weeks went by, I opened up a little more, you seemed sincere, and I was really enjoying our time together. We had planned to go out to eat, and I genuinely believed it would lead somewhere. So I tried again. This time, I didn't cry. It wasn't bad. So I did it a few more times over the next couple days, and the last time I did it, it was as if nothing bad had ever happened between us. My desire was there in full force, I was having constant cravings for you, and I was having a great time with my fantasies...I absolutely loved it, and I kept wanting more and more and more...

But then my curiosity got the better of me, and I had to ask what was going on. Everything went downhill from there. My desire was wiped out. I hadn't even bothered to try again, because my heart didn't feel safe, so my faucet was shut off.

It would come back in small blips, mainly when I was remembering how things used to be. But it was never enough to make me want to touch myself.

But for some reason, I decided to try again last night. My feelings have been so confused and I wanted to know what would happen this time. Would I cry again? Would I struggle to finish? Would I be surprised by how much I enjoyed it?

Well, I actually did finish. But it was a bit of a struggle to get there. I didn't cry, though. It just felt like I had hooked up with a friend, I guess. There was just enough there to get me to the finish line, but it didn't feel passionate. It felt like porn, but not in the way you would probably think. More mechanical. No real connection. Just going through the motions to get each other off.

I have to visualize the full scene, from beginning to end. I have to have that emotional bond to even do anything. So clearly there's still some attachment, some bond that remains. And honestly, the lack of connection felt like it was coming more from your side than from mine. Because when I say I have to visualize everything, I mean everything. Including your perspective.

It doesn't make me happy to feel that connection being severed. I like being connected to you. I love being passionate and having such a powerful bond to you that I have constant cravings for you. So it's sad...obviously things can change, as I noted previously. But if that was possible, then my words would have gotten through to you by now. My want for you is directly affected by your effort, by your behavior, by your love or lack thereof. And I tried to pull that out of you. I did everything in my power, and all it did was leave me exhausted with nothing to show for it.

Maybe that will be the last time I ever think of you while I pleasure myself. I guess we'll see.