I stalked a girl wen i was 17 and i live with regret

And i think saw her again

It dosent make it better, just because i regret it dosent mean i did it, but thats what happened and i have to live with that

My psychiatrist and psychologist try to make me move on and say the only one wo still relives that moment is me but sometimes i cant, its to much and i start telling myself im a bad person, that i hit the lowest and there is only one way to fix it so i dont become a monster

I tried killyng miself 2 times in my life, one of those was because of this

I remember why i did it, i was lonely, depressed and couldnt stop intrusive thoughts in my head.

It happened in halloween when i was with clothes that didnt show my face, she probably couldnt recognize without the clothes i wore that day but i still feel she saw me

Im disgusted and sad saying this but in the moment it made me feel powerful, like i was a true monster, like i was doing something im good at

I dont remember i i took photos, i hope i didnt,

I just followed her and stared from a distance until she saw me, she and her friends came close and i ran away

I could hear them laugh at me when i run and i inmediatly stopped running, i broke becuase know i was truly at the bottom of my life, i was enjoying stalking someone without realizing it and know they were laughing like everyone elsr i knew at that time

That was years ago, i changed my life in that time

Im taking antidepressants and pills so i wont have those spikes of intrusive thoughts and im trying to be better, even if i deserve to die alone for this and other stuff i did in my life i must always keep trying

Today i saw a girl just like her on class and i got early so that i can get far away

Idk if it was her but im not taking any chanches, im dropping of english if it is nessecary so that i wont have to relive this anymore