Dinner: I lit don’t even know, pizza toast (??) 

I’ve been thinking a lot about my old best friend. We knew each other throughout our childhood but became really close around 6th grade. She was my everything, my insides, like an extension of me. As we got older (around 8th grade), she started to make slight comments about comparing us (ex. People always said we looked alike and she said that one time a teacher said we looked like cousins but she was “the better looking one”??), or she’d make slight comments on my body not in a necessarily negative way but in ways I just didn’t appreciate.

It made me feel like we were in constant competition, and what makes me feel even more conflicted was it wasn’t even all the time that those comments were made. The good times definitely outweighed the bad. But they made me feel so shitty and I felt (AT THE TIME) that it would’ve made me look like an insecure loser if I told her, esp bc she was the type to be like “it’s a joke/its not that serious”.


So around ninth grade I told how I felt without actually telling her. I basically said we longer aligned and I no longer want to be your friend (I worded it much nicer than that). I wish I had actually been upfront but I didn’t want her to think I was saying I didn’t like who she was (she kinda had a tendency to misunderstand me). Fast forward a few months, guilt kicked in and it rlly hit me: I lost the closest person to me. So I thought maybe I could salvage the relationship, it was worth fighting for. We go back to being friends and the weird comments seeped back in (the universe always reminds you why you left). 


There was this one time we were talking about the scenario of finding your friends partner attractive, and she asked what I would do. I said finding someone attractive doesn’t mean you have to jump their bones, you can appreciate someone without acting on it especially if it was your partner. She proceeded to tell me “I know this is bad but I would try. I would flirt and if they liked me back I would peruse but if they didn’t I wouldn’t.” 

I was in so much shock, and it should’ve been then to say these are the weird comments I don’t appreciate and bring up all the other times but I didn’t. 

So I did the shittiest thing of all time, I ghosted her. I told her I was traveling (I was) and i probably wouldn’t be as available (we talked for hours in a day), and I just stopped texting her and we haven’t texted since. 

I’m 18 about to be 19 in a few months and the way I treated her haunts me. I feel like such an asshole and I wish I just told her how I truly felt. This isn’t an excuse but more so an explanation, I just knew she would’ve brushed it off or made fun of me, but even if she did at least i could’ve said I tried.

I was talking to a friend of mine now (in like February?) and she was talking about how she reached back out to a friend she broke up with (I know you’re yelling tell me you didn’t do it girl), and my friend was saying how it might be good to reach out, and bitch I did 😭😭. 

 I wanted to just let her know I’m sorry for the way I treated her, but she didn’t respond. She accepted the message request and I was left on read. Now looking back it probably was selfish for me to do and I just feel like crap.


I haven’t had a friend like her since we broke up, yes there was shit but I’m totally alone now and I don’t know what’s worse. Ig this is open for advice or opinions I don’t even know. 

I think I’m a toxic bf to my old bsf