What If I Had a Brain Tumor?

Hmm... It's me, just counting the days left to live. But this time, life feels lighter than before—lighter than when I was living without this tumor.

Now it feels like I'm already in heaven. I don't know why, but suddenly life has become beautiful. I'm just admiring nature as usual. Sometimes I think about how stressed I used to be, but now everything has changed completely. Especially now that I have no hair on my head and my memories are slowly fading away.

I keep thinking about how I used to live with my parents, friends, and online friends. Whatever this feeling is, it feels lighter.

Right now, I'm watching my mom cook in the kitchen. My dad is watching TV. My sister is still eating her favorite snacks, and she even offered me some. But I can't eat the snacks she gave me. They're different for me now, even though they used to be my favorite.

Am I different? Am I getting closer to the end of my life?

These questions keep rising in my mind.

My condition is pathetic.

Ouch.

It hurts. I don't even know how to describe the pain. It just hurts.

Moreover, I can't avoid it anymore, so I've decided to welcome it peacefully. I see the concern in my parents' eyes. I see how much they care about me.

And those medical bills...

They're unbelievably expensive. More than a lakh. Sometimes I wonder if I overused my brain. It's hilarious to think about, but at the same time, it's hard to get through the days and nights. I've become completely dependent on others.

They're still managing all the expenses for me—my parents and even my sister.

Here I am, sitting on my bed, staring at the wall, thinking about the life I once had and how wonderful it could have been. Yet, strangely, I disliked my past life.

Why was I like that?

I don't know.

Maybe I was frustrated with my life. Maybe something was wrong with me. These questions still haunt me every day.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of thinking about all these things. It only causes more pain. Maybe overthinking is the reason I ended up like this.

Yet, I truly feel lighter without all those thoughts. Back then, overthinking helped me make important decisions in life. But now, the situation is completely messed up.

Still, I'm counting my days, like a monk counting the beads of a prayer necklace. I don't even know if that's the right comparison.

Hahaha...

Now I'm thinking about passive euthanasia—to die with dignity by withholding life-sustaining treatment and allowing a natural death. I knew about it before while preparing for UPSC. I even remember Article 21, the "Right to Dignity."

I want to talk about this with my parents and my sibling. Maybe they already know about the uncertainty. Maybe they're hiding it from me.

That's okay.

I think my mom knows. But she probably believes I've become too exhausted to understand what's happening.

This disease has four stages. Grades one to four.

I'm in Grade 3.

Damn.

Only one more grade left to complete.

It's not curable.

These are the conditions I'm facing right now.

I can barely talk. I can barely read. I don't even know the current situation anymore. Maybe it's already the last stage.

But I remember hearing that it was Grade 3, which is why I mentioned it.

A few days ago, I overheard my family talking about my medical report. I heard them say that I only had a few days left to live.

Oh God... is that all?

Is this really the conclusion?

At that moment, I don't know where the courage came from.

Even now, I'm writing these words in this journal with shaky and messy handwriting. I don't know who will read it.

Hahaha...

Yet my heart feels strangely peaceful, despite being full of unfinished desires.

I still can't escape the fear.

Every night before I sleep, anxiety returns.

Maybe tomorrow, if I'm still alive, I'll continue this journal.

Or maybe, if I'm gone, this will be my final message.

Perhaps my sister will open this journal one day and read it aloud to the family.

I'm proud to say that my parents were the greatest blessing of my life. They were always close to my heart.

My sister and my friends too.

They cared about me.

They fulfilled their responsibilities as parents, as a sibling, and as friends.

Damn...

This will probably leave a deep scar on my parents' hearts.

So Mom, Dad, and Sis—

Please don't worry about me.

I'll always be a part of you.

Thank you for teaching me how to live.

Unfortunately, my story ends here.

But don't worry.

You'll still find me in your memories, your smiles, and the little moments we shared.

Sorry...

My hands are trembling now, and I can barely write.

Anyways...

Bye, Mom and Dad.

My chapter ends here.

I love you all with all my heart.

Oh, wait.

I have one final wish.

Please donate all my organs to those who are suffering from illness and waiting for a chance to live.

Don't miss me too much.

Because I'll be the one missing all of you.

With love,

Your lovable daughter,
XXXXX