Buckle up fellow potatoes because this is a long one. I'm going to keep it as brief as possible but it's been 8 years. 

To "set the scene" in 2017 I 37f was working full time, a single mother, and supporting my mother and mostly raising my nephews. My mother and sister suck ps. My mother got a place beside me and it was absolute bliss with just myself and my two kids. That didn't last long because my mother was still watching my kids and there was a lot of anger and drama with my sister. I was working full time still and doing everything else by myself as well, including pets. I had been single for a while and stupid stupid me wanted that to change. I got on a dating site and eventually found a winner....or so I thought. He 37m had two young kids and seemed amazing with them and my two, worked full time, very attentive, etc. He kept that act up long enough to fool me into marrying him in 2020 and moving into a new house with him. After the honeymoon period (about a year or two) he started reverting to who he obviously really was. Absolutely filthy, ridiculously irritable, completely neglectful to kids, pets, and home. In the beginning he wanted me to stay home and raise the kids and be a homemaker. I've worked my ass off since I was 13 so this sounded great and it was for a while. For context, I was raised with very little money as my mom was a single mom and worked constantly. I've never been a girl to ask for anything new including clothes, jewelry, fake nails, hair, etc. I have always been perfectly content with second hand clothes and cheap hygiene products. I would argue that I am one of the cheapest brides anyone could ask for without being neglectful to my health and hygiene. We even did the entire wedding by ourselves and by the time I was ready to walk down the aisle I was exhausted and sweaty and gross. It was a small outdoor ceremony but it was still a lot of work. My oldest child (non binary now 20 year old) helped the most along with my mother who made the food and my aunt who made a gorgeous cake. By the time we got to the food, it was covered in ants and the cake was melting. The whole thing was honestly a disaster but a fun one. We were so exhausted that we went straight to sleep when we got home. 

His family has always been pretty cold and downright nasty to him which I've always hated even though they were relatively polite to me. I never understood why they treated him so badly when he worked full time, had sole custody of his kids, and seemed to help any of them anytime he was asked. I found out eventually why they couldn't stand him. His grandmother was the nicest by far to all of us and literally bought us a house that he would pay her monthly for. My oldest had picked out the house. It was close to the house my kids grew up in and my family. He was from about an hour away. Sorry this is already long af. 

When we got the house, I had some long term friends over for drinks. One got drunk and passed out in my bed. My husband also got drunk. After that night my friends stopped talking to me and the drunk friend apparently told them all that my husband tried to touch her. I didn't believe it because he seemed overly devoted to me (love bombing). He also isolated me from my family. I have no one now except my kids. 

The agreement in the beginning was that I would keep the house, kids and pets cared for while he would work and mow the lawn. This lasted for maybe a year. Eventually he asked if mowing could be one of my son's chores because he worked so much. Not a problem, my son is big and strong and absolutely didn't mind. All the kids have (had) chores. Gradually, my husband stopped doing the bare minimum. The house became filthy and full of literal garbage because of him. \*Pictures included\* He didn't seem to think it was an issue. My son and I have severe health issues including major depression. Our health affects our life greatly especially mine. Some days I literally can't make myself get out of bed because of the depression and physical health issues. Everything I'm supposed to get done has always still been done. I always made dinner and kept everything cared for and clean. The kids food, doctors, dentist, school, friends, health, hygiene, literally everything was on me. It got to the point where all my husband was responsible for was the household bills. I did the grocery shopping online with his money. He did absolutely nothing but work and leave messes everywhere. I obviously got sick to death of cleaning up after a grown man when all the kids were able to clean up their own messes. It got absolutely disgusting. I had pit bulls and kept them clean, trained and healthy. He got a black lab (pretty sure she's part husky too) that he did not train, wash, brush, etc. after the first year of having her. My dogs passed away due to age and health issues and his dog is the only one left. There is long black hair on literally everything. I can deep clean the entire house and then make dinner and there's still somehow black hair in it. It makes me sick and I don't want to eat. The hardwood floor is always covered with her hair and he just pretends not to see it. He leaves his hats, shoes, trash, etc laying everywhere. He leaves food on his dishes in the sink and his oldest son's chore is dishes. He doesn't rinse them at all or put them in the dishwasher. He has done nothing to maintain our beautiful home so now the plumbing is crap, the electric is shoddy, there's water damage and mold, etc. It makes me cry just thinking about it because it was such a beautiful home. We can't even use our shed because it is full to the ceiling of his garbage. Multiple pets have died because of his neglect, yet he continues the neglect. If the messes came from kids I would be less pissed. It's unbelievable how bad it is. 

I've done everything and anything I could think of to get through to him including but not limited to; multiple letters, bullet point messages, pictures of the filth, calling his aunt, threatening to leave, therapy, and more. There is literally one of my lists taped to his bedroom wall with what needs to stop and what needs to happen and nothing has changed. He continually says he's trying and he's getting better but he's absolutely not. He plays the good boy for a week or two and then goes back to the real him. Nobody in my family believes me because he's such a nice guy around everyone outside the house. I've put up with this for so long because I don't really have another option. It's been 8 years and I've been job and home hunting for at least two with no luck. My health issues prevent me from manual labor and I'm not really good at anything else. I've been denied three times for disability and the reason I got was that while I am not able to do most jobs I could still do a desk job. The issue with this is that my vision is also very poor to the point where I've never even been able to obtain a driver's license. I've enrolled in every job program and housing program I could find and am still applying to at least three jobs a day. I basically broke up with him over a year ago and we haven't touched or kissed in over a year now. We are not together but he seems to think I'll change my mind. The only reason I'm still here is because I have absolutely no other options. I love his kids as my own and don't treat them any different but they have learned that they don't have to do anything either because Dad doesn't and no matter what I say he doesn't care. So their chores go mostly undone, adding to the filth. Their attitudes are terrible at this point because he's allowed it by completely ignoring their existence and not caring what they do. One of his kids always complains about dinner I make even when I make exactly what they ask for. My kids and I have to hide our food and snacks because he or his kids will eat it all. They won't just eat some they literally eat all of it in a day no matter what it is. If it were just me I'd live on the street but I have two kids and pets. They're working now but they're still my kids and I can't render them homeless. I've been looking for cheap rent places even though they're all in really bad neighborhoods that I grew up in. I never wanted my kids there. The housing programs and most job programs will not help me because I am not officially homeless, the abuse isn't physical, I'm not an ex convict and I've never had a drug problem. Those are the reasons I've gotten. I'm still on all the waiting lists and have been for years. My husband has been involuntarily committed to a mental hospital after I had to call the cops on him for threatening suicide. He loaded his gun, told me he was going and peeled out of the driveway. Of course I had to call the cops. He could have hurt other people even if he didn't hurt himself because he was speeding and crying. While he was in the hospital for about a week, his kids were amazing. Not one of us got upset about anything at all and were just blissfully happy. My two kids got literally nauseous when we found out he was coming back. We are all afraid of him because he yells, throws things, threatens to cut off phones, car insurance for my oldest (it's in their name now thank goodness), take my gun back, kick us out, etc. His psychiatrist told me he probably had borderline personality disorder but he has stopped treatment completely since about a month after he got out. When he did get out he swore up and down that he would be better (like he always says) and stick to therapy and psychiatry but didn't. I drew up a contract stating the bare minimum things I expected of him including not screaming in my face, not threatening me or the kids, sticking with therapy and psychiatry and his meds, giving me the gun safe key and not accessing them unless he was going hunting, etc. He broke every single contract bullet point within two months. The contract also stated that he would give me permission to record any and all conversations because I feel unsafe. I knew he wouldn't stick to any of it but that was the main reason I wrote it. P.S. please please document everything!! I promise even if it doesn't feel relevant it will be eventually. 

When I called him on the contract he said it's not legal anyway because my son signed as the witness and it wasn't notarized, meaning he never planned to stick to it anyway. He is a chronic liar, insanely jealous even though I literally don't leave the house except for doctors appointments and when my oldest takes me places, he's gone through my phone and lied about it even though mines never been locked and his always has, he screams at me in front of all the kids except my oldest because that one will speak up and he wants that one to like him. Our yard is overgrown and we've had a neighbor call the city because of his garbage. My son and I spent an entire day in the heat cleaning up what we could outside. It was literally all from my husband. Now that he knows I'm completely done and his begging and threats won't work anymore, he keeps saying I need to be out in 30 days. I laughed at him and said good luck with that because we will be here until I have a safe stable home for my kids and not before. I've spoken to the sheriff and he says I cannot be kicked out of the marital home but if we divorce he can give me 30 days. So we're still married which means I can't get any assistance because he makes too much money. I never see any of that money and the bills are constantly overdue. My therapist suggested that maybe he has a drug habit and he was apparently an addict years before we met and has a sugar addiction so I wouldn't be surprised. Regardless, my kids and his are stuck here because I can't get us out. His kids are also afraid of him and want to live with me or their grandparents or great grandmother. (Their mother is a disaster and they don't see her). Recently my health insurance through the state got cut off because he makes too much money apparently. That meant he had to get an insurance plan for me through his work and he would be responsible for copays. As I said, I have a laundry list of health issues and see multiple doctors. Every time I have a copay or a medication bill he bitches. I flat out told him through text that he either needs to pay or tell me he refuses to pay in writing so maybe I can get some help. The weekly grocery budget depends on his mood also. There are 6 people in this house including 4 grown and teen guys. He and his kids eat ten times as much as me and mine because I rarely have an appetite and both my kids work and get their own food a lot. Even before my kids worked, the weekly budget for food, pets, hygiene, household needs, kids clothes and whatever they need, etc. was between 300 and 400 depending on his mood. 300 for 6 people, 1 dog (was 4) and ten snakes. That's far less than 50 a week per person. That would be fine for me and my two now but not his. None of them will tell me what they want with groceries either and then he complains there's nothing he likes. I ask him every single week. He is so much worse than having another kid because not only does he not help, he adds to the mess and stress. I am absolutely desperate to get away but the lowest rent in the area is over 1200 a month and we can't afford that. My oldest works full time and my son is supposed to but they're not giving him hours and I've been killing myself trying to find work but we can't afford all that yet at all. Not to mention the down payment. I have no friends or family to help or stay with even temporarily, I'm afraid to leave the animals and his kids with him when we leave so I have to at least take the snakes, and because I don't drive I'm extremely limited and a complete hermit at this point. My health issues keep getting worse and I'm pretty sure I am allergic to mold which is expanding through the house. I have no idea what to do and am at the end of my rope. Sometimes I sleep for two days straight and I'm still exhausted. I just don't know what to do but I know I have to get out of here before it escalates to physical and I end up dead. The abuse includes financial, emotional, mental, verbal and everything except physical. Women's help programs won't help unless it's physical and I'm homeless. I don't know what to do or who I could reach out to or anything I am completely imprisoned. I have been documenting every single conversation and issue, sending screenshots and all I have to a cousin for safe keeping, taking dated pictures of the filth, etc. Honestly I just needed to rant and would love y'all's opinions because our devotion to our sassy potato queen makes us family and I don't have any family lol. There is so very much more but I doubt reddit will allow me to write a dictionary amount. I'll answer any and all questions. That's never been a problem for me because the truth doesn't make me look bad it makes him look bad. My kids are my entire life (all 4 of them) and I want to do the very best I can for them but I have no idea what to try next. Would I be the ah if I called his grandmother and basically ratted him out to maybe get her help? My kids and I could afford to keep this house if he moved back to his home city which he says he's going to do when we leave anyway but he's so petty he won't let us stay if he goes. I just don't know how to get out. I was recently diagnosed with ptsd and I kind of laughed at the doctor because I was abused as a child and have been through some dark shit but apparently this man has done more damage to me than I thought. I just want to get back to the badass single full time working mom that my kids could be and were proud of. I was a manager ffs and now I'm a useless blob. Money can't buy happiness but it would buy us an escape. I've even applied for many jobs that are physical that my body won't handle but I'm going to do anything possible and push myself to death if I have to. If we see this on YouTube I'll probably cry because I'm literally never acknowledged for anything ever lol but either way I appreciate the support and even negative thoughts. 

Trying desperately to get away from my abusive marriage