Even if I start having sex it’ll never be the same

I missed out on some important developmental milestones that most people my age started experiencing 10 years ago. I’ve spend majority of my life feeling weird and abnormal, those feelings won’t suddenly go away the moment I start having sex. I’m starting out from square one. Everything will be a big deal to me and to my partner if I find one it won’t be to him because he’ll have already experienced them before.

I mean, my first time probably won’t be all that anyway since I’m probably going to just do a meaningless hookup to get it over with, but still. I don’t expect anything good to happen to me anymore. I just brace for pain and cruelty.