detransistioning saved me

since I was about 12, I had an inkling that I might not be a woman. I started transitioning immediately after that obviously no hormones just socially transitioning for the longest time. I was told that I was too “ugly to be a girl.” I went to high school and middle school in a predominantly white area and I have Middle Eastern features. A part of me also transitioned because I was sick of being desired and objectified since I was the first person to hit female puberty in my fifth grade class. with a cocktail of these problems my entire life, I had short hair deepened my voice and wore a makeshift binder until I was able to get a real one. When I started medically transitioning, I thought I would stop be feeling insecure, of course, that didn’t help and I was still always thinking in my head “OK if all my friends are boys then doesn’t that make me the only girl?” (I am paraphrasing this thought, but it was basically like this every time I’d hang out in a group of cis men).

When I started detransitioning, it was summer of last year. I was slowly getting sick of binding my chest and being seen as a man. and my binding method really did affect my skin. I stopped taking testosterone in October 20 24 not because I didn’t want to just because I think I was focusing on weight loss and testosterone was up ticking my appetite. anyways, once I started to dip my toes back into femininity. I realize I didn’t want to keep doing this to myself. I was still at my college and I didn’t say anything about me being actually trans so I wordlessly stopped binding My chest, grew out my hair, and got laser hair removal on my face. I wore make up, dresses and no one said anything. my friends slowly caught on and I didn’t need to explain myself because I didn’t want to. I didn’t think being myself required such a thing or a big spectacle.

When I look at pictures of myself from then versus now, I am unrecognizable. testosterone made me look like Tommy Lee—not even kidding. I was insanely depressed and hated pictures of myself, and I never saw my family because I wanted to cut them off and transition. (I thought that was the only way.) I’m closer to my family than ever now, they loved me either way, however I think they prefer me finally being at ease with myself and no longer putting on a glam rock drag king persona.

I can wear swimsuits without feeling insecure about my body now. I hang out with friends and don’t cancel plans because I’ve ran out of tape to bind my chest. When I go back to my hometown people assume I am my twin sister, which is probably the highest compliment I could get because she was always the prettier one. I love going to family events and hanging out with my parents in public now, because before I would avoid anything and everything that involved a public place with my family, obviously they never suggested that I stayed home during these things, but I was so embarrassed on how I made myself look I didn’t want them to be embarrassed too..

I think I should’ve been able to tell myself it was OK to be a tomboy to like superheroes and comic books and traditionally “masculine” things. Obviously there’s other things that I do that our traditionally feminine that I had suppressed down for a very long time. but suppressing it manifests an outlet in other ways. Usually harmful. Since I’m no longer repressing myself, I’m able to just be me. Be happy, be content, and live my life like the woman I thought I was gonna grow up to be when I was a kid. I’m so much happier now and I’ve been able to get to know my extended family because I’m no longer a recluse.

my mom and dad are so proud of me, they always had an inkling that my heart wasn’t in transitioning, but supported me no matter what. My dad calls me his masterpiece, and always hypes me up when he sees me because he can see a new glow and aura around me. I am just so glad I caught onto this before I forced myself deeper into this. If I was brave enough, I’d show a before and after. But I promise you guys would not believe these are the same person.

kinda just wanted to share this with you guys, maybe you have a similar experience! I haven’t really talked about the detransitioning to anybody so I just kind of wanted to put my story out there to see if it helps anybody find themselves.