Have you ever?

Have you ever felt so alone? Have you ever felt so lost? Like the days just all ran together, like your life had just slowly stopped?

Have you ever felt so sad? So sad that when you looked at an old picture where the sun’s shining on your face, you couldn’t help but wonder if you would ever feel that same sun again, if you’d ever get back to that place?

Have you ever felt so stuck? So stuck, like you were only just existing, only just surviving? So exhausted emotionally and mentally, you were no longer what they call thriving?

Have you ever felt so invisible? So transparent that people seemed to forget about you, like they all just seemed to pass you by? Did you feel like that so much you couldn’t breathe, begging yourself for someone, anyone to just try?

Have you ever needed just one person? Needed just one friend? Just one soul who would notice, to be that one you needed, even if you were never that for them?

Have you ever needed just one person to just listen, to ask if you’re ok? One person to maybe just give you their hand to hold onto, even if it was only for that day?

Did you ever sit and wonder why no one was really ever there? Did you ever just lay in bed awake all night, pretending you didn’t care? Did you ever think that maybe that person would never exist for you? Is that how you finally realized that life’s fucking unfair and that no one’s coming to save you?

Did you ever finally tell yourself that you’re stronger than this?
Did you ever just say ‘Now get the fuck up?’ Could you hear yourself screaming that it’s been two years now, that it’s been long enough?

Did you ever almost just get back to the you before the pills? The you before all the lies? Were you almost able to forgive yourself for destroying everything around you, then gave up when you figured out that everyone already gave you too many chances, just one too many times?

Did you ever tell yourself, that your kids, they’ll be just fine? Were you ever able to almost just forgive yourself for losing all that precious time?

Instead did you remember when they found out the truth? Or did you remember all the tears, all the anger, all the sadness they consumed?

Or were you thinking about how that last pill you snuck tasted, right before your oldest daughter drove you to rehab that day? Did you try to forget about it? Did you ever just pray?

Did you remember when you finally got to hug her, to tell her goodbye? And how you spent the next 28 days dealing with the regret, trying to forgive yourself for all the lies?

Did you remember how it felt to lay in that cold, lonely bed every single night? Did you think about your sons face, remember the hurt in his eyes?

Did you remember how your youngest daughter had always been your little shadow? How you held onto her last hug, how you hated that she knew what was going on, that you prayed she wouldn’t remember you like that for long?

Did you ever just try to forget about all the other mistakes you made after you got home? That even though the drugs were gone, you were now just completely alone?

Did you finally, when you were at your lowest, come to the realization that some people don’t have that person, they don’t have that friend?

Do you still think of how they were still watching? Do you still remember when you finally got back up, when you finally stood up again? Do your kids know they helped you fight like hell, how they helped you find the strength to never touch another pill?