How do I get over the shame of opening up to people? and do I have to?

Hi everyone,

Pretty simple question really, I'm at the stage where I think it could be helpful, but I'd rather do anything else.

I've recently just quit therapy that I went to for around 4/5 months because of the soul crushing feeling of shame I had leaving the session every time. I feel like the second I made that appointment I was putting the white flag up and admitting I lost and needed help.

I think part of it as well is that, I'm sorry if this is getting too personal, but my mum went away when I was 10 and later died when I was 13 and I never needed to talk to anyone about either of those then, so I feel like at 20 years old, I'm weaker than I was back then.

A lot of advice for becoming a better person is be the person you want to be. I want to be the shoulder, not the one crying. I don't want to be a man who has to rely on others for any kind of support, let alone emotional support. I feel like if I did open up to friends or my girlfriend or family, that I'd be losing the war again.

So I'm basically asking, is opening up something that I need to be able to do to succeed and if so, how do I do it without feeling like a loser?