It feels as though there's nothing else to me

I don't think is is a unique thought, but I wanted to get it out of my system. Also likely won't make sense, but I wanted to post it because keeping it to myself felt too lonely for me to bear right now some reason.

I think since I was younger, from about 7 there was already something wrong with me. And then when I was 11, I was already being mourned by people around me. Everyone would go on and on about how bright, sweet and extroverted I was when I was younger and how I was the complete opposite. How I used to be such an easy kid. It wasn't just family but friends, distant relatives etc. I don't really remember why, but I remember at 7 years old wishing I'd have no emotions (which is ironic).

The issue is, I don't remember what the core was. I've long stopped trying to be that kid again of course. We grow and change as we get older, but I feel like I rot from the inside at a young age and since then, shell after shell after shell has been built on top of that child that no longer exists. The me from when I was a pre teen was desperately seeking some kind of attention and community. The same goes for the teenager, who masks a little better but there's still something wrong. And now I'm just a husk with no core, no aim, just an amalgamation of trauma, health issues and disorders..

I intentionally left home, but I was getting worse there and I'm not getting any better out here either. I don't have any energy and all that energy goes into work so I can pay my rent and feed myself. And I'm constantly chasing the next silver of emotion. Maybe I find a good show and I get one, short burst of satisfaction. Or a piece of art that capture my attention. But it only lasts so long because it's like my slate is constantly being wiped clean and my default is just blank sheet built on complete bullshit.

The mask is just being easy to deal with. A pleasant enough coworker, a nice customer, an invisible stranger. A forgettable friend. A kind yet distant family member. It will always default to making sure other people are compensated for dealing with me or something.

And then there's other people. I think part of me strongly dislikes them because they have always made me feel like a foreign object within my own body. I don't relate to them, I just mimic them to blend in like I'm wearing someone else's face. They can always tell something's wrong because as they say, eyes are the window to the soul and for some reason it seems there's not quite anything in there. Part of me accepts that I'm not like other people and has some kind of pride in that. I don't really care to conform, yet I still disappoint my own self.

It's like being in an endless time loop. I try to get help from the system and it's just waiting list after waiting list because I can't afford anything else. Some numbers to dial that put you on another waiting list and give you a time limit.

The thing is I know what is wrong with my behaviours and why I remain in this cycle. Logically I know that. You need to move your body, you need to eat well, you need to take care of yourself. You need some kind of hobby. You can manage all these things and become a passable human being. And yet my body moves so slowly to do even a fraction of these things. The mind knows but the body barely responds to any signals.

Anyways. I do have hope for the future, but the present has been incredibly bleak for so long. Maybe I'll move far away and find someplace kinda remote to live, make a decent enough salary to not worry about living expenses and have a motorcycle so I can explore and rekindle my love for drawing and find some kind of peace that way. I think if I fixed...the severe executive dysfunction and I found a routine again, some part of me would be okay. But I look back and even then, when I was functional, I still wasn't okay. Sooo, who knows. We'll see. It is what it is.