idk what to do

i honestly don’t know what else to do so i’ve turned to posting about my issues because no one really listens. i dropped out of school at 13 due to severe depersonalisation and nobody took me seriously. it was genuinely the most traumatic experience ever it’s been 4 years and i still have nightmares about that time in my life. i got diagnosed with autism when i was 14 and im not sure if that diagnosis is correct. when i was 15 i started losing weight (as i was overweight due to binge eating because of extreme loneliness and mental health issues) and this turned into a very unhealthy thing in my life. i still struggle a lot with binging and restricting. late 2025 i started engaging with people online, romantically and platonically. i had absolutely no friends for about 2 years and this has impacted me greatly. i didn’t even want friends much then because i was so mentally unwell i was focusing on just staying alive. having no one to speak too though did probably make things worse as depersonalisation for me gets worse when i have nothing to do. i basically sat at home everyday for 2 years in this constant state of agony and my parents would scream at me everyday and would get physical with me sometimes. it was such a horrible period in my life i don’t think ill ever get over. circling back to the online connections, this became a very unhealthy thing for me. i would get extremely attached and dependent on people it was extremely tiring for me and im sure it was for them too. i met a girl february this year and she had confessed to me that she liked me. we had a really healthy connection in march but then i messed things up by blocking her because we had planned to meet but last minute she said she couldn’t and i saw this as rejection. since then we’ve been on and off speaking. i still like her a lot but she is currently speaking to a guy she likes. she drunk texted me a couple of nights ago and said she thinks she’s in love with me. i have never been drunk so i don’t have a concept of being drunk so i thought she was telling the truth. when i pressed her on it when she was sober she said she didn’t even remember saying it. so it’s an extremely painful situation. i’ve been rejected a lot in my life, ive never really had any good friends and ive never been in a relationship. anyway i’m on medication now, the depersonalisation has gotten much better, but im a bit concerned i might have bpd, based on how i act in terms of relationships and friendships. i don’t want to self diagnose but ive alway felt there was something other than autism. i’m going back to and alternative school next week after 3 years of being out from school. honestly im so lonely i would do anything for human connection so im not even that scared about going back. all im worried about is my depersonalisation coming back and not being able to make friends there. i have a deep rooted feeling that nobody likes me. and i do have evidence to back this up and that hurts even more. sorry this is really long and i don’t think anyone will read it i just need to get this out. i would love someone to ask me questions about things no one has ever really been interested in me so i just wanted to speak into the void