TW: sexual assault, boundary violations, alcohol abuse, psychological distress. I(18 F) sexually assaulted my boyfriend(19) and I genuinely need advice on what I've done.

A couple of months ago, I was extremely drunk and told my boyfriend that I wanted to make out with him. I took him to a secluded area and started kissing him while grinding on him. I asked him to have sex with me, but he said no because we were in a public space on our university campus or at least, that was the reason he gave. I fully believe that a reason does not need to be given, and "no" is enough no matter what. However, I proceeded to grind on him anyway. Afterward, I broke down and started crying about how I missed my family and missed having someone take care of me. During this time, I was deeply insecure that he did not find me attractive enough. I fully assaulted him by not taking his "no" for an answer. I am disgusted by who I am and what led me to act in such a way.

He had been assaulted before, and when he told me about it, I constantly reminded him that it is a big deal and nobody should ever have to go through that. But now, I am the one who has committed such a heinous act and put him through all of that and more. I acted like a complete hypocrite, and it hurt him even more that someone could say one thing and do the exact opposite.

We are still dating (it has been 10 months since this happened), and he told me that he does forgive me to some extent. He said he's more hurt by the fact that I advocated for sexual assault multiple times and told him to take his previous ones seriously than the act alone. He does not see breaking up as an option, and he said it would be even worse if I tried to break the relationship off for him and I understand that. Every time I think about it, it makes me sick to my stomach, but I also know that it is much worse for him. I don't know what to do and how to proceed from here. Please help me.