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\*Sweetheart salad with fried tofu, cherry limeade. Eaten in the sunny window of my favorite cafe while reading a graphic novel\*

This is a post in which I admit to being a terrible person. 

My sister has schizoaffective disorder. She is currently in the middle of an episode and was last seen running down the side of the parkway after jumping out of her boyfriend's car. I feel nothing but a vague sense of disappointment. 

I have watched her  blow up her life again and again. Getting arrested, dating abusive men, stealing from family, abandoning jobs, drinking and drugs, disappearing. Over and over. And I'm just numb. 

She has hurt every member of our family in different ways and I know I've gotten lucky compared to others. But some things are unforgivable. And she absolutely lacks the self awareness to understand or care what she's done to others. 

Honestly I'm just waiting for the call that she has died. Not because I want it, but because it feels inevitable. We've gotten her in treatment, we've gotten her on meds, we've paid her bail and not reported her crimes. It's been a decade and it just doesn't work. 

Eventually she's going to OD, or get murdered by one of her semi homeless drug addict boyfriends, or get hit by a car (again). I feel like I'm mourning her in advance. I've cried for her, I've stayed out all night looking for her.  Sat up by the phone waiting all night for a call. Over and over. And every time, I feel a little less. 

I will love whatever time we have together but I'm done getting pulled in. 

My sister is having a mental health crisis and I don't care