Lucky

If you have people in your life that care and support you throughout this medical hell, consider yourself blessed.
The past week multiple things have easily triggered me and today I couldn’t get a medical exam done due to not being able to find my veins. The staff were kind so that’s a win!

Is having to reschedule an appointment I waited months for a big deal, yes and no, but add decades of setbacks, no logically outlook for a future and time flying by and reality hitting that it is indeed too late for a lot of things…. Things like this easily trigger hopelessness for me. It’s like being in a boat that in fire and praying for rain only to have it rain gasoline.

Every minor setback feels like you’re playing Jenga and you’ve managed to keep the tower together for years but when anything happens, it shakes so badly and you’re like here we go it’s going to finally fall, but it doesn’t and you’re just left anticipating when the big BOOM will eventually come and fully destroy everything permanently.

I know people view these posts and idk maybe you’re tired of reading long posts, just tell me what you’d want someone to say to you if you simply couldn’t help yourself anymore. We live in a world that hard if you have support and understanding, it’s hard if you are healthy and can think and process things and clear your mind with relaxation techniques, but what do you do when the very organ that operates all that isn’t working due to blood flow.

I keep coming here like many don’t get it, but I’m physically alone and just need some words of encouragement again. I got therapy soon so maybe I should try not to mask and let them know I’m at a point I really don’t think things will get better for me at all.