Anxiety has been crazy

Hello, dad. I really needed to just tell this to you. It has been weighting on me.

Ever since July started I've been feeling weird. It started with my throat. My throat seems to cause me anxiety.

At first I felt a sensation, like there was something soft there, not actual food though, then the day I went to the doctor I felt like there was a bubble, like a frog's throat, pressure. Few days before I went I panicked so hard at night about my breathing after brushing my teeth but managed to fall asleep afterwards. I even started having trouble eating because of this anxiety. Doctor said she feels nothing and gave me nasaline spray.

Now it just feels like some unusual sensation. I've been using nasaline spray and air purifier, sipping water to help me feel better. I even try to force myself to listen to music and daydream to try and stop it which does not always magically happen to help.

I should try to sleep earlier to prevent night episodes. I think those makes things much worse. Dad, when it first started happening I "texted" you once. I was so scared. Why didn't you come? Why didn't you care? Why did I never matter to you? I didn't want to be a burden in this.

I guess it could be anxiety as I am on a summer vacation and have free time, but it never felt physical and instead of being a result of anxiety it seems to induce my anxiety. It is like a health scare, making me feel like something is going on, like something is wrong instinctively because of the feelings but yet nothing truly happens.

Like in June I didn't feel it. I was perfectly fine and didn't have those scares. I was just chilling. Year before too. It is just upsetting because it scares me. Of course I have regular anxieties about inevitable but this is like a button that keeps it on. Thankfully it is not always that bad, I think? Or am I deluding myself?

Telling myself it is acid reflux even though I don't have it slightly helps. I am even wondering if some food encourages it, or something like caffeine. Maybe I developed an intolerance for that or something? Or fast food?

I mean... it is not like anything severe happend, but it is just there. I am slowly learning not to mind it when I eat. I guess I don't really feel it when I am outside, do I? Does deep deep relaxation help?

The part that sucks is that even breathing exercises don't calm me. It is like actual panic. And being all chatty about it seems like a diservice. It makes you aware of it even more but you don't feel the feedback. I did drop my weight slightly, but I had stomach issues for a brief period.

I think I need to be around more people that only react if something seriously is going on, or someone who can be there for me but I'd probably just want something heavy to ground me here.

Too bad it is summer. I tried to look for a weighted blanket, but was unable to find a shop for it.

I remember days imagining you, dad. I didn't have this throat thing. I'd get in bed in June annoyed about needing to deal with sleep schedules and I could lay my head on your chest. Atleast in my mind. I guess those were simple times.

I just don't know. I am hoping it is not a signal of something worse because at this state it means nothing. I just didn't want to be alone. I wanted you to know. I didn't want you to be blind to what is happening. Thank you for reading, sorry.