Revert: DA/FA lifestyle won

A few years ago I became a secure version of me so to say. I never had a problem with holding ppl in my life long term. It was more so the everyday maintenance of it & me not being able to feel feeling. Stoic asf.

During my secure years I made friends I got super close with. She betrayed me & harass me after I ended the relationship. A friend I am close with constantly threatens the state of our relationship because of external factors. In all I stop initiating contact with my friends. If they text me I’ll reply but I’m at the point of being done with that.

I got in a “secure” relationship (stopped dating other DA aka Fwb but high key on the friends because the lack the romance & sex) and well let’s just say I’m not perfect, but I would never play with someone psyche. What really did it was a date, haha. I laugh because never would have guessed a date holding so much weight. I can’t simplify what happened because it hurts so much. Just know I didn’t hide or try to blend in. I showed them me & mmmh words hurt.

I went from DA to secure leaning DA to secure leaning aa to FA all in the matters of 5 years from first transition.
I’m scared to become an FA. The shut down is enable at this point, the difference is I’m have panic episodes often. PTSD dreams from my childhood.and there we remember. I’ll always be a city girl & I don’t mind people being around. I don’t want to hide from the world, but I have zero desire to act on connection. All I want to do is reserve my personality. It took a lot of work from my childhood to be this cheerful.

My avoidance was I couldn’t feel now I feel too much & it hurts. I hate ever becoming “secure.” It was the worst thing I ever did.