Should marriage be this hard?

I know everyone says marriage is hard. But it’s felt impossible.

The most glaring issue in our relationship is alcohol. My husband put alcohol before me for about the first four years of our marriage. It was a consistent point of contention, but I always tried to support him. I went to the meetings, read the books, and he didn’t do anything but white knuckle his issues.

We had a child and while he’s a decent father, I still feel like he just hasn’t stepped up to the plate. He is the “work smarter not harder type” and that’s manifested into me consistently making significantly more money, while taking care of most of the parental duties. He lacks the drive he said he had while dating, and I have had to cover for his financial mistakes (gambling 25k in a weekend, etc.) to keep our family afloat.

He was diagnosed with a brain tumor, and I took care of him during his recovery. He brought in no income for four months. I ended up being let go because I was not able to efficiently divide my time well enough and my work suffered.

He got a job and we relocated for it, and he told me I could stay home with our child. After moving away from our support system his alcoholism got horrific. It was truly hell to go through everyday, and I still am unsure how I made it through. But once again I always tried to support him and repair our marriage.

He never stopped drinking but it’s drastically reduced to maybe a couple or few beers a day. But we are like roommates. He hasn’t taken me on a single date in 18 months, because of “finances”, but spends money on things like golf, football games, expensive clothes, etc. I cut my own hair, don’t get my nails done, etc to save money. He also does not kiss or hug me. Maybe a peck every couple of weeks.

He constantly complains about life, and that maybe he’s just not cut out for all the responsibility. I had a good chunk of savings I have used up to keep us afloat the last year. I was going to go back to work, but found out I was pregnant again so that will have to wait.

I just feel so starved of emotional and physical connection. I feel resentful for the trauma I’ve been put through at his hands. I feel like he is a roommate, not a husband I can lean on. He lies, minimizes, and doesn’t seem to have much regard for my emotional wellbeing. If anything, he seems frustrated that I am not chipper at the situation we are in, which was largely shaped by his poor decisions.

I know marriage can be hard, but is it really supposed to be this hard? I always envisioned a life where my partner and I would laugh, be undeniably in love, build each other up, etc. I am not by any means perfect, but I know I am a good wife and mother, and feel like I’ve given 100% for years and gotten back 20%.