Missed/Declined low effort/pseudo Advance

DW was off for summer and blocked the exit with a hug then let out an exasperated short sigh when I didn't linger in the hug. I went to my part time job, then no mention of this physical contact and no follow up. Really, this was the most affection I've gotten this year and probably the most emotion she showed regarding not being affectionate.

HLs here know that their partners will feign affection when it's inconvenient or impossible. That's what this feels like....as though it's just enough (minimal) effort to say they tried.

In nine years of DB, we ignored the first year, then analyzed, debated, and dissected it years 2-7, and finally in years 8 & 9 I've dropped the subject. She continues to say in therapy that she wants to/will be more proactive (but she's not).

I no longer have a count or recollection of frequency after our therapist discouraged keeping any tally. Once a year or once in two years or twice in a year three years ago, none of that matters because we shouldn't set a goal we won't achieve only to put unnecessary pressure on ourselves.... Also keeping tallies in the past isn't living in the present.

However, after hearing a myriad of reasons for our DB, the same therapist once asked, "If y'all were alone on an island with no work, no stress, and no responsibilities, would y'all want to be sexual?" Seems simple enough but apparently the answer is no. DW says in therapy that beaches and vacations are accelerators but we bring our DB on all our vacations. While it isn't permissible for me to keep a sex tally, I can easily tell y'all that we've had more vacations than sex.

I can't say I've arrived at radical acceptance however I'm not optimistic anything will change. Perhaps that's the biggest difference between now and the first years: I was hopeful and willing to talk about missing intimacy, closeness, and the butterfly feelings that accompany being with my partner. The longer we analyzed, debated, and dissected it, the less hopeful and more exhausted I became. Then it began to feel like having to justify why I want to be sexual with my wife.

I chuckle when I hear others make recommendations because DB started when I was fittest, thin, working, spent time on hobbies, shared the emotional workload... I've since went back to grad school, got a graduate degree with additional certification, started a part-time job, and new hobbies. Yes, I do my chores. At first, I read many recommended books (alone), too. Our sex therapist recommended books that DW's yet to read (since 2019) so I laugh when folks recommend a partner do so. If they wanted to, they would do so and I doubt HL encouraging them to do so actually helps anything.

At the end of the day, folks who want to have sex generally have sex. I'm not pursuing, initiating, or bringing up sex. However our sex life must be fucking awesome because I haven't heard any complaints.