I wish I never knew I was trans

Pre-T agender transmasc here

I recently just turned 21 and ive been drinking both alcohol and weed seltzers a lot like almost 1-2 a day to drown out dysphoria. I remember being the goodie-two-shoes kid, saying I wont drink til 25 but I broke that rule after my mental health plummeted. Being trans is a new thing I just discovered about myself and I find it scary. When I was a teenager I would see trans people on TV and think at least im not trans it looks so hard... well fuck. I am. I already have enough shit to deal with and then finding out im transmasc just makes my life even harder, especially since I have internalized transphobia. I finally got my first job ever at 21 (ik im late) and hopefully I make enough to transition next year and I hope my insurance will cover it, but im just so sick of everything, sick of looking like this. I just want to look right, look like ME! I don't know why god would do this to me. Autism, ADHD, anxiety, depression with a severe fear of driving, AND being trans on top of that? This is too much!! I don't need another problem!