I don’t think I mattered to you, at all.

Was there something there at all, besides lust and fun? Did you ever feel anything for me? Did you know I loved you?

I know I never actually said it, but can you blame me? Everyone kept telling me you used me, just like the other girls. I tried to convince myself they were wrong because I could’ve sworn you cared about me. I even told our mutual people that I had some kind of feelings for you. They told me to drop it and not tell you.

It hurt when you blocked me, especially because it happened the same day you asked to see me. That really hurt. It made me feel disposable, like whatever connection I thought we had could just be switched off that easily.

I know I didn’t prioritize you. I know I wasn’t always respectful of what we had, and I know I probably made you feel like you were only good for one thing. I’m sorry for that. But I wish you had asked me what the hell had been going on in my life.

If you had, you would’ve understood how scared and overwhelmed I actually was.
When things got bad with him, I thought about calling you first. I know that’s probably an odd thing to say, but you felt safe to me. That’s what makes this hurt so much. I genuinely thought that, after everything I’d opened up to you about, especially the trauma and things I don’t normally tell people, at least one man in my life actually cared about me.

And maybe I was completely wrong.
I was playing the part of being “lowkey and fun” while constantly forcing myself not to acknowledge what I actually felt for you. I would’ve told you. I was planning to tell you in person if that hangout had actually happened.
There were even little things that probably meant nothing to you but meant a lot to me. We joked about how Saturn connected us. We joked about the names of our future kids. Little did you know, through all those jokes, I actually started to visualize it. I let myself imagine a future I never admitted I was imagining.

Maybe that’s embarrassing to say now. Maybe to you, it was all just jokes.
Maybe I really haven’t given you much reason to care about me. Maybe we really were just an era of fun and distraction to each other.

But you were genuinely my favorite era.
I’m sorry for not putting you first. I’m sorry for the ways I was disrespectful and for making you feel like you were only good for one thing. I was wrong. But you were wrong too, T.

I don’t know if I ever mattered to you, and I may never get an answer to that.
So I’ll let go of this connection, because it seems like that’s what you want.
I genuinely wish you the best. Stay safe, and please take care of yourself.