I don’t know

I’ve been self harming ever since i was about 8 at first it stared as hitting myself and hitting and punching things until my knuckles would go red or continuely punch or hit my head then when i was 11 i started cutting my thighs and sometimes my arms i like hurting myself and when other people hurt me because i feel like i deserve it like my cousin was in a abusive relationship and the second he hit her she left but i always think if that was me and i were to get in a relationship where the other person hit me or punch me anything to hurt me i wouldnt leave i probably would think i deserved it and would love them no matter what and i know it’s awful but i love the pain i bring myself and others bring me it’s like an addiction i don’t think i can live without i feel sick i know i’m sick but i can’t help myself