an unfamiliar feeling, indeed.

This is a snippet from a journal entry I wrote last night.

It has been well over a month since one of my most life changing call called. I got a position in a hellhole of a job in the government, yey! As I was thrilled to accept the job, I look back to the times my heart jumped upon receiving something momentous; a Facebook post of list of names who are qualified to enter the university, a website announcement of board passers with my name on it, an email containing a congratulatory message for being admitted to new institution. There's not a lot, and that's just it, a small cardiac arrest followed by a lifetime of struggles, struggles that are just in a different wrapping, differently colored, differently arranged, but a struggle nonetheless.

This is how I've always viewed these things, just a hurdle to cross, a normal thing to achieve, because, if anything, these are the bare minimum, I never saw these things as something to be proud of or something that needs to be celebrated because who are we to be happy with bare minimum diba. I know it reeks of arrogance and ungratefulness, after all, I am not alone when I reached this point. Why am I supposed to be happy about something I was supposed to achieve anyway?

Going back to reality, though. It has been a month, less a day since I got into this position, it’s not a sweet victory as anyone makes it out to be. I hated the first few days I spent, I still am looking for things to hate, and looking for things to love. I still don’t know what I am supposed to do there but all in all, it’s kind of the same. An improvement on some parts and a degradation for most.

I’ve been thinking how this will be my life for the most part, for the longest time. I want to make my stay worth and meaningful, I have thought of ways I can do that, I have visions of it but as of the moment, I really cannot shake the feeling of solemnity and calmness.

So silent yet so loud, so smooth that I can’t even perceive any thrills lol

As per usual, this is, perchance, a calm before a storm or something, but as of now, I will just ride it out. It’s only been a little more than half a year done, I got most of the things I wished for, and now I am just going to ride the wave of whatever’s left of it. 

But can I finally say that, for once, I feel happy? Perhaps. This is an unfamiliar feeling for me to be honest.