Am I avoidant?

For a while I thought I had an anxious attachment, probably because when there was some stress in the relationship, I experienced it quite emotionally. My anxieties in the relationship were about what if I was myself and my partner wouldn't like it and would leave me or worse - stayed with me and hated me. I was thinking a lot about what was appropriate to do in front of him and what wasn't. I didn't like it when he looked at me doing something that people usually don't see me doing, like putting on makeup. I enjoyed being alone and without him, cause I could do my things finally, even though I liked being with him. When I needed to tell him something that was bothering me, I had a hard time doing it and when I had said it, I wanted to hide because I wanted to cry. I didn't like it when he saw me cry, because I felt so stupid and uncomfortably vulnerable. When we were discussing something serious, I wanted to go to my place after, where I could cry all night, but he couldn't see me or I cried in the bathroom at his place so he wouldn't see it or when he fell asleep. And the last guy I talked to and been on some dates with told me it’s not going anywhere, because he feels I’m not open with him, that I don’t tell him things about me and from my life, that I’m not myself most of the time with him. And he was right, I was even more off than I was in the relationship and I wasn't sure how much time would make a difference, if at all.

The thing is, my ex was a bit of a trigger for some of these tendencies. I think he was maybe a disorganized type, which would fit with the fact that it's often the case with people with trauma. He was sometimes very anxious and wanted me to be with him when I needed space. At the same time, he wasn't very authentic and was generally quite withdrawn and sometimes made me feel bad, rather unintentionally, for wanting to express myself more openly, so I gradually stopped. I felt stupid for it. The reason I end it was because I felt more shitty and alone with him than when I was actually alone.

I asked my psychologist, but she told me that it's not so important the cause or explanation of the things that bother me about myself in the relationship, but that I should focus on how to work with them and change them. True, but I still want to know if I'm the avoidant type.