Just piling on

I feel like most of the posts here are saying the same thing I am, so I guess I’m just adding to the depression chorus.
I need to say this somehow, though. To someone.

I was hospitalized last week for suicidal ideation. The med changes I needed were made beforehand; they just hadn’t kicked in yet. They still haven’t.
The fatigue, lack of focus, lack of interest, sadness, irritability - it’s all so textbook and par for the course for me. But now that I’m out of the hospital, it’s just me and my thoughts. I have family with me in the evenings, but they work during the day. So right now, every day is a waiting game. Can I outlast my suicidal ideation until my family gets home? Until my meds kick in?

I’m exhausted trying to fight it. At the same time, I’m exhausted trying to plan it. And I don’t want to die. Not really. I just don’t want to be suffering. I don’t want to be stuck on this continual roller coaster of a few years of wellness, then something happens and I’m back in depression. Now is the time. Now, while I’m suicidal, I can make the ride stop. I know that’s not really what I want, but I feel like it needs to be done for future me.

And there’s nothing that going to the hospital is going to accomplish now. Last time was an anxiety-ridden hassle, and I can’t go through it all again.

Anyway. I just needed to say it. I’m struggling, and it sucks. I feel like I’m suffocating, and all anyone can do is watch and wait.