Mom

My mom had surgery to remove her glioblastoma tumor on 04/16. She completed her 6 weeks of chemo radiation, took 5 weeks off, got put on optune last week, and started her 5/23 TMZ today. It is so hard seeing her struggle with day to day tasks. She puts her clothes inside out and backwards, has a hard time following simple instructions, and forgets the time of day or what day of the week it is. Shes been very emotional lately, but not because of her diagnosis. I only saw her shed a few tears when the doctors told her what they thought it was. She’s been emotional because she feels “stupid” and I hate the decline in her cognition. I want her to feel how she did last year, but I know that won’t happen. She’s had a hard time understanding her optune device and I have to walk her through the troubleshooting process all the time. It’s been really frustrating for her and her emotions have flared up because of it. There were times I could forget she had glio because she hid her emotions so well before optune. I’m not complaining about optune, just explaining my situation. I know it is a fantastic thing and I’m happy she’s on board with it. My mom was a single mom who raised my twin brother and I on her own. I have an overwhelming amount of anticipatory grief and think about her dying and never hearing her voice or advice again pretty much every day. I also get an incredible amount of sadness thinking she won’t be able to create new memories and spend time with future grandchildren when she goes. She would be an amazing grandma. Since her emotions have flared up, it is a constant thought. There isn’t really a point to me rambling here. Just wanted to get this off my chest.