Relief feels so good

Absolutely. I’d keep the rawness because that’s what makes it feel real on Reddit, but organize it so people can actually follow what happened and understand the intermittent-reinforcement part.
Why do I still want someone who hurts me?
Why do I want you?
You’re fucking cruel.
You’re cold.
You’re cocky.
You’re arrogant.
And you’re literally just a man.
A man who made me feel so seen. So wanted. So special. So interesting. So good.
For the first time in a long time, life felt worth living. I hadn’t been that happy in so long.
And then I admitted how much I wanted you.
The thing is, I didn’t want you in the way you thought I did. Deep down, I always knew this would end with me getting heartbroken. That’s why I tried so hard to keep you at arm’s length.
But you knew exactly how to pull me close.
You’d make me feel like I was your whole world, and then you’d go cold. You’d make me question where I stood with you. You’d give me just enough closeness to make me feel safe, and then take it away.
Intermittent reinforcement.
You got me hooked.
Hooked on the relief that came when you finally gave me attention again, followed by the pain when you pulled away.
How could you do that and still tell me you cared about me? How could you tell me you didn’t want to hurt me when hurting me is exactly what you kept doing?
Your ambiguity hurts me.
And sometimes I wonder if, deep down, you secretly liked knowing I was waiting for you. Knowing I wanted you to message me. Knowing I was still hoping you’d come back.
But here’s the thing:
I won’t message you.
Not again.
Not after all the times I tried to make us go back to the way we were.
Because that’s all I ever wanted.
I just wanted to feel seen.
And you did that.
After my abusive relationship, you made me feel like the most important person in the world. You made me feel desirable. Interesting. Worth something.
And then you told me you couldn’t give me what I needed.
And somehow, right after telling me that, you’d start doing all the things that made me fall for you again.
You’d pull me close.
Then you’d go cold.
You’d make me feel incredible.
Then you’d make me feel small.
And eventually I realized something I really didn’t want to admit:
You use me for sex.
That’s when you come back around. That’s when I get that feeling of closeness again.
And I let you.
Because I just want to feel close to you again.
I know what it is. I’m not stupid. I know what’s happening.
But in those moments, I don’t care.
Because the relief feels so fucking good.
And I think that’s the part that scares me the most.
I don’t just miss you.
I miss how I felt when you made me feel wanted.
And I’m realizing those aren’t necessarily the same thing.