I don't know how to deal with the grief

Sorry, I just have no idea what to do anymore.

So many years into 'recovering' and no matter how much acceptance I've fostered towards the disorder I still can't bear it. I hold little to no resentment towards any other part. But some of us are just too different. It feels like we've accepted to let a certain version of 'us' work externally, while you are floating along behind blurry glass. But when you front it's like you snap to reality and remember everything you've been losing in that time. Like a hero movie cliche where the main character gets a glimpse of an alternative timeline where everything is going well but they can't join because it's not 'theirs'.

It doesn't matter if I care for my other parts deeply, I will feel pure grief at the time I've lost, my life that I could've had. Everything, from the way I live, the friends I have, the work I do, the items I buy, the clothes I wear and the haircut I have, every single thing is a "comprise". It's never fully "mine" and if the compromise WAS for one of those things to be mine alone it would feel redundant and would just cause unnecessary discomfort to the others. So if anything sometimes becoming closer to each other can feel almost worse, because we don't want each other to suffer. Everyone else feels the same. Nothing seems to work.

We've had alters fuse before, but it was always two that were relatively similar to each other already. The concept of it happening system-wide seems impossible. Back when we were still in therapy we couldn't make much progress anyway because we couldn't seem to recover any memories and our therapist was stuck.

Is the solution really to "divide time" when sometimes, I don't even want to have that time anymore, like I'd rather have nothing at all if it means I'll be reminded of all that.

There is genuinely no solution thus far that doesn't cause pain or discomfort to some part of me, figuratively and literally. Is this just realistic? I don't know, but it fucking sucks and seems unfair.

A regular person can express themselves so easily, and most of the time I can't even exist. I don't have any friends with DID, so I can't discuss this with anyone either. My singlet friends are kind but having the conversation is always more humiliating than relieving. I feel like a walking corpse, grieving for someone that never even existed. I will never get to be me and me alone, no matter how 'healthy' I get.