Lindsay's Journal

Someone shared this on FB as one of her journal entries... I am curious how others interpret this?

“I am sad and depressed because I cannot parent my third child like my first. I want to treat every one of my babies like my first. But I know that’s not a feasible possibility. I am sad I stopped breastfeeding. I feel not as connected with Cal now. I think I sort of I resent my other children because they prevent me from treating Cal like my first baby. And I know that’s not fair to them. I know that. I was feeling so depressed last evening when Cora and Dawson came home from school.

I know it runs off on them so we had a pretty rough evening. I want to feel love and connection with all my kids. I’m also probably having a bit of an internal conflict because my whole life I’ve wanted to have a lot of kids. I still don’t want Cal to be our last, but I have a lot of figuring out to do before I have another. I’m on the fence about starting a new medication for anxiety/depression. I just want to feel happy. I want to be able to relax and take care of my kids.

And when they go to bed at night, I want to deeply relax and hang out with Pat and then fall into a deep sleep for 8 hours, get up and pour hard into myself for an hour and a half. Cal was so very planned and desired. I want to be able to give him all the love he deserves.”