I need advice

Today, I am very angry to the point of tears. My mum had been a bit aggressive towards me in teen years and today I'm grieving them. I'm grieving them because she talked to me in a very condescending tone and belittled me. I worked hard for her approval and to make her proud, but it felt like an endless treadmill of me apologizing. Worst of all, I felt like I had no controlnin my life. I developed anorexia.

I have never been single for an extended period of time, even when I was away at university. I think it has to do with the love I never received as a child and in my teens years (emotionally). It truly hurts to say this, but my partners felt safer than my parents, always. It hurts even worse because im adopted. Im grateful for my parents providing a home for me and food and other things.

I feel overly defensive towards people and struggle to make friends. Even my boyfriend. Today, I reached out and he assumed immediately I needed a ride. I apologized and said that I honestly feel bad that this is the impression I gave and I will use the bus more often. Despite this, he didn't care. He loved giving me rides, regardless. He didn't make the assumption as a threat as mother had in the past. I am now in tears because I am so conditioned not to upset people at my own expense, I have never realized how much thinking about these things has set me back. All because my mother made me feel this way. It feels like my boyfriend got a version of life where he could be emotionally free and I am stunted. It almost feels like we speak different languages emotionally. I wish I had his parents growing up.

I"m currently laid off and struggling and I keep feeling like I need to escape the possibility of living with her. Ive always felt this way. How do I get rid of this feeling for constant approval and validation, its making me sick.