Successfully got a refund from Amazon, despite being outside of the return window.

I chatted with a customer service rep and told them that the item was advertised by the seller to keep the feeding schedule stored locally, and that it would continue to work in the event of a connection disruption. I let them know that I would be forced to request a backcharge from my bank if I wasn't issued a refund.

And ta-da. I am dropping these bricked machines off tonight and getting my $265 USD back.

Going back to the old reliable feeder that doesn't connect to the internet. Sure, my cats might bully each other and steal food again, but at least they'll be fed.