What’s wrong with me?

This post maybe should go in a depression channel, but I want some feedback as well from here. I am 36(m), and just recently started dating after about a seven year hiatus. I was never consistently dating, I’ve really only been in two romantic relationships in my mid twenties, with the longest being close to a year. About five years ago my older brother had a mental break from reality and totally lost his mind. Within that very same week, my dog died after a quick three month battle with brain cancer that put me into debt, and I lost my job. I spent a good amount of the next four years traveling back and forth between states and frequent phone calls throughout the week trying to help him. I didn’t really think a relationship would work during this time for multiple reasons.

Last year, he passed away. It was a rough year, along with my brother’s passing, I also went through a cancer scare myself and had a variety of small random crises occur including a tree that randomly fell on my car on a perfectly beautiful day. I did start my own business at this time as a piano technician and continued working at a music school both as a site manager and as their piano tech. I had been going to therapy weekly for the last few months and decide I wanted to give dating a shot again. I was surprised to find that I had matched on Hinge with a gorgeous woman, 36(f), and I thought we really hit it off. I was super nervous as it had been so long and I was also self conscious of my body because I had gained significant weight over the last two years. But things seemed to be going well, she kissed me on our third date and I really started to allow myself to hope for something good in my life.

Our fourth date, I planned dinner and then brought her to my music school after the building was closed and had set up our music hall with stage lights and created a playlist fir us with the intention to try and get closer with a dance. She then revealed that she didn’t like to dance, so I pivoted to a trip to the roof, but it immediately started to rain. We ended the date early as she said her stomach was bothering her. I asked if she was feeling too unwell for a kiss goodnight and she was up for a kiss. But she left awkwardly and wouldn’t let me drive her home even though it was raining. She wouldn’t let me drive her anyway or pick her up on any of our dates, which I assumed was a safety thing, and I totally understand.

Anyway, she let me know that she made it home ok (only slightly damp) and thanked me for a thoughtful night. I sent her a message with a laugh, but also told her how I wished she had let me drive her home. I commented on how I was definitely still interested in another date, but thought that maybe I didn’t hit our date out of the park. She sent me back a message basically saying that she thought our date was one of the most romantic post dinner dates anyone had ever done for her, but concluded that she was in her head and that she was realizing that she didn’t feel a romantic connection. She went on to list off all these qualities she really liked about me. She said I was thoughtful, reflective, fun, and that she thought I would make a really great partner, but still didn’t feel it. She even said I was great at dating. I was pretty crushed but said I understood and wished her well. Perhaps threw myself too much of a pity party. But, a couple days later I messaged her just trying to send a friendly message, since I knew she had said she was going to see a movie with her Aunt. She responded briefly that they liked the movie, but clarified she was focusing her efforts on dating and wasn’t interested in a casual connection. Once again pretty bummed, but also a bit more hurt this time. About a week and a half later I decided to ask her if she would consider going on one more date and continue getting to know each other since she had mentioned hoping the romantic connection would develop. I perhaps sent too long of a message, but was respectful and edited out the portion where I almost trauma dumped on her. She sent back a very short, “I’m sorry, it’s still a no. Good luck out there!” I then clarified what she meant in her earlier message about casually connecting, and found out she was not looking for a friendship either.

I’m absolutely crushed and hurt. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and why I can’t seem to attract or keep the type of partner I want. I do attract some women, but I never seem to attract the partner I want. It’s part of the reason I do understand where she’s coming from at least romantically. But I don’t understand why she doesn’t want to be friends. I know it was only four dates, but I am devastated and feel sick to my stomach. It’s also resurfaced the grief I felt from losing my brother. Just this week, I also had a checkup and they discovered that my potentially cancerous lesion has returned that was biopsied and removed last year. Obviously, I know it’s not this girl’s responsibility to fix me or deal with any of my shit. The only thing she even knows about is that my brother passed last year as it came up on one of our dates. So, I’m not sending her any messages, I’m respecting her wishes, but I’m so hurt. And I don’t know why. What is wrong with me? Why am I so heartbroken over this girl I only went on four dates with? Why doesn’t she want to be friends with me while simultaneously saying all this nice stuff about me? I feel so broken. I feel cursed or fated to be alone. I’m trying to keep dating. I have a date for tomorrow, but I’m not exactly excited and still kind of hung up on the other girl. Should I stop dating again? Maybe I’m not equipped for it…