very bad b!nge these 2 days just wanna spew out everything in verbal diarrhea TW numbers (cals)

i js need somewhere that i can pour everything w out being afraid of letting the floodgates open and ppl repetitivly asking oh r u ok or js keep living
iv been posting rlly depressing ED related stuff in my instagram notes ppl dont know i have one and my friends have been saying yr typical stuff in the replies idk whst to tell them idk what can i say im an attention seeker with all those depressing shit i post bht dont know how to respond to said attention
yesterday was goijg great i was at matinece cals i was happy and fed not hungry not overly full. i finish dinner and am abt to go on my daily digestion walk which is when i open a bag of trail mix with roasted cashews roasted almonds dried cranberries dried blueberries and yogurt chips. mind you this is a brand new bag the seal wasnt even open. in my head and heart ik im full and dont need anything but i just wanted to have a bite of some cashews and almonds. very innocent at first. until 30 min later im balls deep abt to cry abt to vomit from fullness. i ate over half the bag. now ik binges arent necessarilt abt cals but more so the amount of food but i had at least >!1800 cals worth of mf trail mix.!< i picked it up and just cluldnt stop i knew i should have i wanted to but i couldnt step away. a friend of mije who also had ED history said she was sorry and saif the only thing we could do is keep living. ik she ment well for me but that wasnt what i wanted to think abt. it didnt help that i woke up in a foul mood and wanted to destroy thr world that day either. it was the last thing i wanted someone to tell me. despite me wanting to be comforted when said comfort was attempted i judt wanted to push everything away
fast fwd to today. had a dentist apt woke up for that and woke up still feeling very full ofc no appetite for anything. after we finish dentist my mom takes me and my brother to dim sum. im still rlly full from the trail mix but i love dimsum and rlly wanted it so who was i to refuse? it was my first meal of the day and ik dimsum still generally is higher in c@ls for less food but i blow at least >!1700-2000 cals!< and i still do consider thwt a binge as well because i atr a lot more then i normally do then which is higher then my matinence as im a shortie and i didnt srop until uncomfortable. i was content with what i ate it was rlly good i wont hide it. but by that time even tho it was an absolutely heavenly delicious meal i felt like i was gonna explode and throw up again. dinner comes and i know im still not hungry so i just have some soup and some tea and a bit of grapes to ease myself. my mom cooks dinner and i blow it again. this was def a lot less but im STILL eating past my fullness.
usually i try not to restrict too much. im still in ed era with the sorry excuse that we can call recovery if u can even call it that because its like i dont want to. like my habits and eating is normal and not restricted as much and is like a normal person bht my brain still thinks the same. disorder aside i never rly had a big appetite my whole life anyways nor a big stomach. these 48 hours were def one of the most ridiculous binges iv ever had thats for sure. i just wish that i cluld dissapear into the ground i swear to god ☹️🙏