Ignorance truly was bliss

I’ve fully deconstructed Christianity and it was absolutely not a pretty sight. I’ve been dealing with depression since I was 15 or 16 (I’m 20 now). over the summer I’ve been at the lowest point I’ve ever been. That slow but painful loss in faith, nobody to really to about it too, knowing that on top of all of this, my girlfriend of 3 years who I really…. really wanted to stay with forever would leave. At one point I held a knife to my neck because I was so tired of it all. Worrying about the future, thinking about the past, all these responsibilities and I have to keep my faith. That’s the first time I ever gotten that close. I just want peace man. Only thing that was there to stop me was my Dog. None of my people know this happened. I spent so many nights just up and sometimes even crying bout it because I truly felt alone. There were times my girlfriend didn’t even know I was crying while she was asleep and I was awake in the middle of the night sitting right beside her. I knew it was inevitable. There were times I would go into a dark room with no noise and I would pray. But I wouldn’t feel anything. No comfort, hug, warmth. Nothing. I wish I could rly experience what people say when they talk about God. Only reason why this deconstruction happened was because I’m so interested in history and then I ended up learning so many bad things about Christianity history. There were other personal things that added to the fact but that was the peak of it.

Fast forward to today How does one even deal with this? Feel like every thing is just pressuring you. I don’t know who else to talk to. Although im an athlete and college student, I’ve been resorting back to getting high just to not feel the sadness and frustration. I unlocked drinking by myself over the summer lmaoo. Girlfriend left after I told her my beliefs. It was a healthy split. She understood me and I understood her. That hurts worse than a toxic breakup. At least most of the time there are no what if scenarios in your head. But I don’t know what to do or who to talk to. I wish I stayed ignorant.