How do you deal with knowing you traumatized people?

I know that I’ve acted terribly and I’ve absolutely been verbally and emotionally abus1ve to people I’ve dated and even my family. It’s my biggest shame. I even got physical with 2 of my exes (we both got physical).

It’s not an excuse but I was pushed to my absolute breaking point and it was such a mindfuck because they did use my vulnerabilities against me/made me believe I am just this psychotic, unlovable terror…but maybe I was an absolute terror at times. It felt like purgatory the way the same situations kept happening, the exact same things happened with multiple different people.

I feel so bad especially for being so mean to my siblings during the darkest time of our life over 10 years ago - we are close now, but I wish I could take it all back.