The Silver Lining of the Loop

The silver lining has always always been my domain :

I cut my teeth on riding into sunsets and never looking back

Until it was too late

And miles lay between us

But, I digress, I never lied that I was a monster.

I have been standing on the chair on tip toe as it tottered

Looking through the loop of rope I held like a window

For the prize, the gold, the dream.

Every clock tick bringing my neck closer

To wearing that last necklace -

No jewels, just letting go - because there was no longer any of the will I've clawed into myself out of harsh world that took from me too early.

I have fought, and I have won.

I negotiated an offer letter today and will start work again, because I must, I must, I must.

The only one I can ever count on is myself.

I want to be saved so desperately, but I am too broken to ever allow it again after you.

I look at the wreckage of your promises, of the life I built with you, of the abuse you put me through, of the other shoe dropping like a nuclear bomb when you promised you never would repeat the way the world had chewed on me.

I am more gristle than girl, and I was far too young when that began.

I still dream of you, and my boot on your cheek.

I still dream of you and the soft mornings, too.

I still dream despite everything.

Forgive me, Lord for my sins.

I have so many, and they make me better.

They taste like a home I can never go back to, just like Mom used to make for breakfast.