Vent about my bb that was killed a year ago- Plus, I want people to know of him. I dont want him to disappear

How do I get over the loss of a pet and stop mourning sm-

I lost my dog, Smokey, over a year ago. He actually died exactly 20 days before my birthday. I have been mourning him sm since, been feeling extremely guilty about it too.

I love and miss him sm. He was only 2 or 3 yrs old, and I was so emotionally attached to him it wasnt funny. Ive always been kinda alone, mom always works, siblings always doing their own thing, and being the youngest they didnt want much to with me for the longest time. Its why I had smokey, he helped me sm without knowing. I wasnt alone anymore yk-

My mom has been with this guy for several years now, he's a horrible person. I absolutely hate him for what he's done and he just keeps on amd on with stuff. But he poisoned my baby with bleach one day when I was out with my siblings. He did it bc he swore up and down I was the reason his dog disappeared (his dog stays outside and wanders into the woods alot, the dog was only gone for like 4 days, his dog returned a day or two after the guy poisoned my smokey.) Not to mention, he hates dogs, he only liked his bc he enjoyed dog fighting and was purposely make his dog attack others. And everyone knew he had hurt my dog, smokey. And he still lied about it even though there was proof everywhere. Plus, I had smokey in my room and there was a baby gate to help keep him in for whenever I wasnt around (which it was rare that I was away from home- Even did my school work online). When I got home, the gate was kicked in and there was a beer can inside, and there a empty bottle of bleach in the kitchen (we had just bought the bleach afrew days before and hadn't opened it yet. My mom wanted to clean their room with it on her day off-).

Smokey was only alive for not even a fully week after, and I hate the way I was the whole time. I've never been able to control my emotions and I truly was so attached to him, just seeing him sick had me crying non stop. we couldnt take him to the vet right away, my mom worked multiple jobs and we only had one vehicle at the time, which she used it. and bc the guy she was with did it, and didnt care, even though he could've borrowed his grandma's truck and take me, he didnt. he kept making excuses on why he couldnt and basically started snapping at me when I basically begged him to do it (mimd you, he's 30+ yrs old, I was only like 16 or 17 when this happened- ).

The whole time Smokey was sick, I did my best to make sure he was comfortable and tried getting him to atleast drink water, which we couldn't. The night before my mom took him to the vet, my mom took him into her room and told me she would watch him and she'd take him to the vet as soon as they opened. she told me to try amd sleep since I hadn't even tried the whole time. and she told me she'd wake me up so we could go. she didnt, she took him to the vet at like 5am and didnt wake me bc she said she thought I needed the sleep and she said she didnt want me to go bc she was worried how I'd be. and she mentioned multiple times after she got home that it was a good thing I didnt bc she didn't want me to see smokey like he was. they told her they wanted to keep him for afew days, and so they kept him over night and ran the drip stuff to try and stabilize him.

He died the next day, they called her at like 7am and told her he passed. whenever I went to ask her about him, she just shook her head, it was her way of telling me without actually saying anything. what sucks is the vet didnt let us get his body, and my mom took him to the vet wrapped in two of his blankets, they didnt even let us get them and got rid of everything.

I still feel guilty about it, about not being there with him when he passed. what if he thought I abandoned him?? Ik my mom meant well but I wish I kept him in my room and watched over him, I wish she would've woken me and let me go with her to the vet. I wish I didnt even sleep at all that night/morning. its been over a year and I still feel so incredibly guilty about how everything happened. and I still hate the guy she's with, I still dont think it's fair that he got to keep a dog that he didnt even love while I lost my baby.

it's been over a year and I still cry and think about him nearly every day. I cried for months straight after he died and while I don't cry as much, I still atleast once or twice a week. Does it ever get better?

I have a bunch of pictures of him that I can't look at without tearing up, same goes for the box of his toys, medicine, and my torn up blankets that he laid on before my mom took him to the vet. I even got a weighted stuffed animal recently bc it was the same color as him. idk, things just havent gotten better.

which, I'm glad I was able to type all of this out. ive been holding onto everything for the longest time. I havent been able to actually talk about it either bc I always wind up crying bc of it. ​

Plus, I just want people to know of him. Its bad enough that I can't remember the sound of his barks, I don't want to forget him and I dont want him to be forgotten.