K. A. , I’m sorry (For loving you but I can’t get over you)

This is a message to my dearest friend, K. And god, I kinda hope you see this. There’s so much I want to tell you, but I can’t bring myself to do so. So, I’m using this instead of my notes app cause it’s easier for me to hide. I regret confessing to you. I knew you wouldn’t return my feelings, so I don’t know why I let B and L convince me to confess. I know you’re straight, but when you choose me over Bailey and Luis, when you called me your favorite.. It got to my head. And when I confessed on January 18th of this year, my heart was racing and I was so scared. But when you said, “Wait actually?” After I said I meant it, I felt hope. But it all went away when you said, “Sorry man”. It crushed me, despite knowing you’d never like me back, I cried for hours after. Sometimes, I zone out and think about what we could be if you were gay, or if I was a girl. And I wonder, if you would like me back if I was still a girl. But at the same time, I don’t know why you would choose me over somebody else. I’m so glad me confessing didn’t change our relationship, cause I don’t know what I’d do without you. I hope you know how much you mean to me, you’re probably the bestest friend I could ever have. I’m honestly surprised you didn’t notice my feelings before, considering B and L found out before I told them. Then again, you did say you were oblivious when it comes to love. I just didn’t think you were that oblivious. I’ve been trying for the past 7 and some months to get over you, but I just can’t. I just seem to fall in love with you more everytime we talk, even if it’s just for a short few minutes. The way you talk to me, especially when it’s in that specific tone when we’re duo healing in Rivals and you say, “Don’t worry, I got you.”? God it gives me butterflies. And the many times you’ve said I’m your favorite? (Besides M, ofc) It makes me feel wanted. (Not romantically.) And how you call me your duo every time we play together? Makes me feel special, even though I know you have other duo’s. And god, the way you make sure I’m okay when I start acting weird? Makes me feel seen, knowing that you notice the small things. (Sometimes) Even when you don’t notice when I go quiet, or when I don’t emote with you, or just not acting like my normal self, I still know you care. Sure, there’s times where I feel like you don’t, but that’s probably just me overthinking things. And I hate that with my love, comes jealousy. I don’t know why, but seeing you emote or being friendly with randoms on our team, makes me jealous. Which is so stupid, cause why would I be jealous over a guy that’ll never be mine? And it’s just you being friendly, and I get oh so easily jealous. And every time, I hate it. Because I go quiet, and then you notice, and I have to act like nothing happened. Because how would I say, “Oh yeah, you acting friendly with that random made me jealous even though you’re not mine and never will be.” That’s just weird. And it feels like I cry over you everyday, forever mourning the fact that you’ll never be mine, even though you’re the person I want. And sure, maybe it’s early to be saying that, but I’ve never been this in love with someone. Trust me, I’m used to my crushes never liking me back, but there’s something so luring about you that draws me in. And the crazy thing is, I don’t even know what you look like, and I’m this in love. I’ve said, that I’m willing to wait forever for you. Even if that means you’ll never ever like me back, (Most likely) I’m willing to die alone as long as you’re in my life. You being there is the best alternative, especially since you’ll probably never return my feelings. Luis has said, “It’s fine if he doesn’t like you back but it can change, maybe the conditions aren’t right.” Or something like that. I’ve been waiting, hoping and day dreaming that you’ll one day return my feelings, but I know it’ll stay a dream. You deserve so much better than me, even if I do believe that I could treat you well. I’m just too broken, too unstable, and I don’t want you to have to deal with that. You already know first hand how much comfort and reassurance I need, and I don’t want you to have to deal with that even more. And I’m already clingy enough, and having you be mine would make me insufferable. I know I can already be annoying now, so I can just imagine how bothersome I would be. I’m just hoping, that if any of my dreams come true, that you loving me back is the one that does. Almost everyday I zone out and imagine us together, and it puts the most stupidest smile on my face. But not as stupid as the smile I have while we’re duoing on Rivals. And this is probably stupid, but when we’re playing as characters that are cannonly together? It makes my heart skip a beat. Like when we were Gambit and Rogue (How’s your day going?), or Spidy and Black Cat. Or even the times when we just match skins, makes me wish even more that we could be something more. If there was anyone that I would let endlessly rage bait me, steal my finals, or steal MVP from me, it’d be you. And only you, Kai. I could never be truly mad at you, you always manage to make me laugh while I’m trying to be mad at you and it pisses me off but not really. I’m surprised my family hasn’t caught onto my crush (I think), considering I’m all smiles and giggles when we play together. This whole thing may just be me confessing my love once again, but I just want to tell you what you truly mean to me and I can’t do that without chickening out. You influence so much of what I do, like the shows I watch, the characters I play, what I say, how I act, the games I play… You’ve made such a positive impact on my life, and I hope you know that, and I hope you know how much I appreciate you.

- K/ Your (Marvel Rivals) duo